Expert: Trey McGowan - 1/24/2008

Question
my 7 yr old niece has aspergers, which was diagnosed last year.We're looking for finding information on how aspergers kids especially girls dealt with being out of step with their peers and former friends growing away from them. My niece is finding that hard to deal with at the moment and is really quite miserable at school because of this happening. Can you help with ways of coping with this and any means of easing the hurt she feels.. Many thanks, Chris

Answer
Hi there, Chris!

I wish I could answer this question with 'It'll all be alright', but as I'm sure you've noticed, the life in school for an Asperger's child can be very difficult. Many of them don't finish school, either dropping out in later years or finding home studies to be more their liking, as it takes away from the stress of this going on.

One way of coping with the issues is to find a good therapist who is able to give some *real* expert suggestions. I know, this is what you came to me for, but the therapist can directly examine the situation and come up with some ideas that are more personalized for your daughter, rather than just having to go by the generalities (which may not be so 'general' when one has Asperger's).

Another big help (one of those generalities, yes) would be to find a peer group, however small, that she will feel comfortable with. Maybe try some after-school activities that she shows interest in and is fairly good at. Especially finding ones that friends from school can get involved with is a good plan. I'm not sure of her interests, or your location, so I can't give direct suggestions here.

For myself, my coping mechanism was not all that helpful: when I was her age, there was no diagnosis of 'Asperger's', so I didn't have the easy benefit of being able to say 'here's what we did'. But I *can* say from personal experience that having an understanding family and trying to keep at least a small circle of friends around is going to make a world of difference in this. There will be a friend, or friends, that she'll be able to deal with still. They may be considerably younger or older than her (it is very common for Asperger's children to gravitate to a different age bracket) so try not to judge on just age alone.

As a final note: I'm a strong believer in home studies, if things aren't going well in school. While certainly, she'll need peer interaction, there is no need to force a curriculum on an Asperger's child that makes it difficult for them to learn, as well as students who will bully them. Of course, this is only if there are large problems. If there aren't, then school is the best way to keep children around children; don't give up because of small issues!

Hopefully these comments were at least a little helpful to you and to her! Feedback, comments, questions, follow-ups, and whatever are welcome!

Trey