Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 1/8/2008

Question
My nephew who is now 5 1/2 was diagnosed a few years ago with mild to moderate autism. He resides in Wappingers Falls, NY.  He can speak but he is at about a 3 yr old level with his speech.  When my first born was 9 months old he began to hit, kick, and push her whenever they were together.  At first we contributed his behavior to jealousy over their granny.  My oldest is now almost 4 and my second child is 10 months.  His behavior towards my eldest has never let up and now she is afraid of him, she cowers by our legs or tells us she doesn't want to see him and she gets quite upset when my nephew hurts my youngest.  We've tried in the best way possible to explain that he is different, that he doesn't realize he is hurting her and her sister but that he should be taught that hitting is not the answer.  Only a few days ago when he hurt both my girls again, my eldest had one of his toys and my baby was just sitting on my lap, my husband and brother in law had words.  They feel that because he has a neurological disorder that it's okay for him to do what he is doing without consequence. When my husband tried to explain that our daughter will have nightmares for the next 3 days because of what is happening to her and her sister, it was dismissed and we were told that that is nothing compared to what they go through with my nephew.  My in laws have make it abundantly clear that it doesn't matter what the girls are feeling or doing that they can learn to deal.  We've tried to be compassionate and to understand but now that our girls are being mistreated we could remain quiet no longer. What I was wondering is should we try to work this all out with them? His behavior has been slowly getting worse for the last 3 years.  Is there any hope for my nephew?  My nephew does have behavior modification at public school and a behavioral therapist that comes to the house.  I don't know how those sessions go since we are kept in the dark unless we remember to ask.  Any help/advice you could give would greatly appreciated.  Thank you for your time.

Answer
Hi Melissa,

It is NOT okay for this boy to hurt other children without consequence. He is only going to get bigger and stronger. He will, eventually, start hurting his own parents if they do not get a handle on his behavior. Just because everyone knows why he does it does not mean it should be allowed.

Now, be aware that his emotional age is probably as delayed as his speech, so he's acting like a 3 year old. He should be managed like any other 3 year old who hits. He should be removed from the area and "timed out." Prevention is the most important issue. Someone should supervise him constantly in the presence of smaller, weaker children.

I know it will cause family friction, but you have to make it clear that if he causes real injury, you will seek legal recourse. Tell your in-laws that they are welcome to visit their granddaughters in a safe environment such as your home or on outings. Make it clear that, at family gatherings, you will protect them and you expect the boy to be supervised. Also make it clear you are not asking that he not be there or be isolated, only that he be controlled.

It's a difficult job to be 100% in control of such a child, I know from firsthand experience. They may not be able to prevent all incidents but they should try. On the whole, it is his parents responsibility to keep him from hurting others. The trauma this causes is real and lasting. My younger children can testify to that.

There is no easy way to deal with this issue. There may be angry feelings for some time. But, your first responsibility is to your own children. Be their advocate.

Best wishes,
Catherine