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Autism/follow up to nephew hurting my children

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Expert: - 1/9/2008


Question
First, I'd like to thank you for your helpful advice.  In your response to me about my 5 1/2 yr old nephew, you stated that he will only get bigger and stronger(he already is quite big for his age) and begin to hurt his parents. That he should be removed from the situation and "timed out."  
My inlaws have been removing my nephew from the room when an incident occurs but they stay with him, and while staying with him he is hitting them over and over.  By them sitting with him, isn't it just proving to him that if he does something wrong then mommy or daddy will give him their undivided attention?  What other type of consequence can there be for my nephew.  On several occasions when he has been taken from the room only to return 20 minutes later, he repeats his behavior and pushes someone and then they take him out again.  In his mind, is this a game that he's playing with his parents?

Answer
Hi Melissa,

I agree that his parents staying with him and allowing him to abuse them is not an effective consequence. He must not be allowed to hit anyone, ever.

Many children repeat bad behavior even after a consequence. I would say that the first modification must be spending his time out alone. He may be using misbehavior to get his parents all to himself. Autistic children tend to be very territorial about their parents.

We used a small chair in a corner of our L-shaped hallway. It did not face the wall. But the child was required to stay there, no toys, no company. If she got up, we took her back. Time did not start until she stayed put and started over if she got up before serving her timeout. One minute per year of age is about right. Five minutes for him would be sufficient so long as he really stays put the whole time.

When parents feel guilty for their child's disability, they often overindulge the child. They need to come to terms with their guilt and grief. They did not make him autistic but they can certainly help him live in the world if they will set some limits and enforce them.

Hang in there.

Catherine

Autism

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Catherine Ridenour

Expertise

I can answer your questions about parenting your High Functioning Autisic or Asperger`s Syndrome child. In particular, questions about family life, discipline, siblings, finding resources, and working with (sometimes opposing) the educational system are welcome.

Experience

I am the parent of an Asperger's Syndrome child who is now 22 years old. She went undiagnosed for 14 years of her life, so I have done extensive reading and Internet research into the possible cause of her difficulties. Even a short 8 years ago, A.S. was practically unheard of by the public educational system.

We fumbled our way through her childhood and early adolescence without any effective outside support. In some ways, that may have been a blessing as we were focused on her abilities rather than a label for her disability. However, I can think of many times when knowing WHY would have been comforting.

Had we known very early on, some social skills interventions might have made her life in school easier. At this point, I like her for who she is so I do not regret how things have turned out. More importantly, she likes herself.

Education/Credentials
I have a Bachelor of Science in Education.

I have worked to educate myself about Autism in general and HFA/AS in particular.

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