Expert: Trey McGowan - 10/27/2008

Question
My step daughter has a tendency to have tantrums when it is her turn to
share. The only thing that resolves the tantrum seem to be to negotiate with
her and give in somehow or compromise. Her sister often winds up just
letting her have her way to quiet her down. I think we have been scared off of
discipline with her because of the aspergers, we feel she can't help the
tantrums and wind up just doing anything to help her keep from unraveling.
Now that she is in third grade, socially this is not going over well. Her peers
are certainly not welling to step into line with this unfair arrangement. We
need to help her learn that sometimes, their is no room for negotiation, and
NO means No. I am hoping for some feedback, if anyone has a similar
problem, even just some reinforcement that the tantrums will get better with
the consistency of discipline would be helpful. Or we fear, maybe the rigidity
of saying no and not compromising will not help her. We really need a
technique that will help her be flexible, learn to share without he losing it.
Thanks

Answer
Hi there, Laura!

Consistency of discipline, when it comes with *any* child, is very helpful for demonstrating to them what is and isn't allowable. Autistic children, however, consistency of discipline can be even *more* important than it can be with the average child (if indeed any child could be called 'average').

The big thing about autism, if a generality can be forgiven here, is that they often see the world through a very 'black and white' world. There are 'rules' in the world, and those are 'rules' that have to be followed. By teaching them what those 'rules' are, you're reinforcing things in a way that they can understand. But by continuously changing what the rules are, it can often be very confusing to a child with an ASD.

Essentially, just start teaching your child that part of the rules is that sharing is correct. That to be a friend, you have to share. Reinforce this by demonstrating it in your own life, and by trying to use the same 'rules' with the whole family. That's to say that encourage her sister to either work with those same 'rules' and not just give in, or at the very least to let you know and have you reinforce that 'sharing is fine when Mommy/Daddy says it is time to share'. Besides, giving in to a child who throws a tantrum, autistic or no, is just reinforcing that thrtowing a tantrum is the best way to get what they want. And trust me: that's *not* a rule you want reinforced later in life!

I'm not going to say that this will be easy. There may well be times that the tantrum will get worse for a time because she really doesn't want to share. However, the best thing you can do for your child (and your other children, and your teachers, and...) is to show your autistic child that tantrums are *not* the way to get what they want. That if they are calm, and willing to share, their favorite toy will always come back to them after. Or they will get even better treats than they would if they had thrown a tantrum.

Hopefully that'll help some! Questions, comments, feedback, et cetera, are always well welcome!

Trey