Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 11/11/2008

Question
Let me start by thanking you for being here for everyone!  I have 4 boys, my oldest is ADHD and my 3rd who is 5 1/2 is Autistic.  I have difficulty in discipline.  Such as when my autistic boy gets angry he can get physical, like this morning he scratched his younger 3 yr old brother in the face 3 fingers wide and bleed. This is not the first time, and I am stuck on trying to discipline so he understands. But my hardest time is when he throws himself on the ground because he doesn't want time out or a spanking or privileges taken away. I have to put him in a safe environment because he will try to throw his head on the floor or piano etc. What I usually do is pick him up and hold him until he can calm down which may take up or 30 min,  and with 4 boys and my husband disabled it is hard to give him this attention.  I love talking to him and helping him understand what the Bible teaches on discipline in his language, and he seems to understand, but hates it when i follow though.  That is when the tantrum starts.  He goes to a special Ed preschool specializing in autism and has made a world of difference.  The technique they use is 1 warning and then time out.  He responds well to them and has only had to sit out twice, not once with a tantrum. Here at home I have actually had to hold the door closed with him screaming on the other side pounding.  My biggest fear is that I am going to crush this flower and never see him bloom to his fullest potential.  He, unlike many autistic children, is very affectionate and shows remorse after discipline.  I need to know a more effective way of discipline, PLEASE!!!
My 8 yr old with ADHD is improving with medication. The road does seem easier and more controlled.  The problem is when I take privileges away he throws a royal fit and I think that is where my autistic son sees a lot of that.  I try time out but to him that is almost a reward, because he LOVES quiet.  This house is usually loud and noisy and he enjoys the quiet, but it seems to calm him down and he is better and more behaved after.  Is this wrong?  Any help you have I would love!  Thanx, Sara

Answer
Hi Sara,

You do have your hands full! Bless you.

Let's talk about your 8 year old, first. Just because he likes quiet time does not mean that using it for discipline is wrong. Don't confuse the word "discipline" with "punishment." If it gets the improvement in behavior you want, it's working. Ultimately, what you want is self-control.

I would concentrate on teaching him to recognize when he may need to choose a "voluntary timeout." Many ADHD kids act out because they are overwhelmed and need a break. Talk about the feelings associate with rising anger or frustration. Describe what he is feeling in his body, hot face, clenched fists, etc.(This goes for kids with autism, too.) Make sure he has someplace to go for his timeout. Teach him to use words. "I'm feeling angry, I'm going to my quiet room," rather than lashing out. Reward him when he chooses self-control over acting out.

My motto is catch them doing something right. Watch for the good behavior and reward it. At least, notice it and comment. "Wow, John, it was nice of you to share that truck with Tommy even though you were playing with it." "Thank you for putting that in the trash. Now I don't have to pick it up." Little things matter. Model the behavior you want to see. Never lose our temper in front of them. There are days I have gone to MY room rather than blow a fuse at my kids. After I'm calm, I can be rational. (Try it, you'll be amazed how quiet it gets all of a sudden.)

Okay, on to the 5 year old. He is acting like a 2 year old because, emotionally, he is. He has no idea that others have thoughts or feelings. He has no impulse control. When his feelings take over, he strikes out. He will need constant reminders, kind guidance and repeated practice before he gets it. He's not being mean, he simply does not get it, yet. Having said that, it's not okay for him to scratch his brother. I know you can't follow him around every minute, but if you see a situation getting out of hand, intervene before the violence happens. Remove him to a safe distance, tell him that he needs to try again. Repeat as often as necessary.

Here are some techniques to teach emotional skills to a child his age. Talk about the body sensations that signal anger. Go to a mirror and make an angry face. Let him make one, too. Get his brothers in on the game. Use pictures to identify feelings. (You'll find he has no clue whether the face is happy, sad or mad.) Everyone will end up giggling.

Little stories that show children in situations, like sharing a toy, saying hello, picking up after themselves, etc. are called social stories. You can buy them in books or you can write some yourself. Stick figures do fine for illustrations (This is a great project for the older kids.)

Here is a very simple example:

Sam (use your son's name)is playing with his truck. Tommy wants to play with it, too. Sam does not want to share the truck. He gives Tommy the car. Tommy plays with the car with Sam.

Keep it to one skill and keep it short.

I have to say that I am not a fan of spanking and here is why. Autistic children do not have the ability to understand that it's okay for adults to hit them but not okay for them to hit others. It does not matter what you say, it matters what you do. I know this is a very personal, family decision, but think about it.

Best wishes,
Catherine