Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 11/18/2008

Question
My son has displayed some behaviors that I am concerned about since
starting preschool last year.  

He was an extremely easy baby.  Slept beautifully from about 9 weeks on and
hardly ever fussed.  He started walking at nine months and is extremely
athletic and strong for his age.  At about 18 months the tantrums started.  He
asked to go outside and when I said no, he threw himself on the ground and
starting screaming.  He was able to speak single words, and sometimes a
couple, up until he was 3.  I noticed the tantrums would occur when he was
frustrated he couldn't verbalize what he wanted or couldn't respond to us.  At
the age of three he was very verbal, and each of his teachers have
commented that he is too.  He tends to get frustrated when other children
aren't and he can't communicate with them.  

I think it is worthy to note that my husband has a job that requires us to
move alot.  Our son is 4 and has moved over a dozen times.  We recently had
a second child...after a pregnancy that kept me in bed for over four months.  
Four months of little interaction with my son.  We have also had several close
family members pass away in the past couple of years.  Furthermore, I, myself
have had five surgeries and suffered mild depression during that time.  

He started his first preschool last year.  The school year starts in July, so he
was still 2 when he started in a class with older 3 year olds.  He also started
three months late because of my husband's job keeping us away from our
winter home.  Our son had problems in this class...such as kicking other
students during circle time...not wanting to sit for more than 15 or 20
minutes...and was frustrated he couldn't write like some of the other kids. In
fact he still says "I can't do it...I can't write...Ms. Smith said I'm bad at it."  We
decided to move him into a younger class with 2 and 3 year olds.  After a
biting incident the first week in the new class, he settled in nicely.  His new
teacher said that although he was strong willed at times, he was very loving
and had a good sense of humor.  The rest of year went pretty well.

This year I decided to put him in the 3 year old class even though he would
be 4 shortly after the beginning of the year.  Hoping he would be more
mature and handle it well.  I became very close to his new teacher and often
volunteered in his class.  She would report EVERY thing he did wrong...which
was good and bad.  He was in a class of 14 kids with only one teacher.  Oddly
enough, all of the children were extremely quiet and not active like my son.  
He stuck out like a sore thumb.  As mentioned above, he would get very
frustrated with the other kids when they wouldn't speak back to him when
spoken to.  For example, he's very social and would walk in each morning
and say "well good morning Brad."  If the kid didn't respond right away, he
would get in their face and say it again.  He was very offended by this.  He
also had trouble in circle time again.  He had no problem invading others
space, but was offended when they did his.  I feel partially responsible
because I would harp on his giving others space, so I am sure he wondered
why it was ok for them to come into his at times.  He learned quickly that if
he said he was sorry for a bad behavior, it would get him out of being in
trouble.  At about six weeks when he was really starting to do well, they
changed his teacher.  She was moved into another class.  The new teacher
couldn't stay all day...so a third teacher was used towards the end of class.  
That's when he hit a little girl.  Since I spent time in this class I knew the
other kids personalities too.  This particular girl was very sassy and bossy to
the boys.  After he hit her and the director of the school confronted me I
asked her what happened to provoke him.  She said it was unprovoked.  So I
asked him in front of her and he said "Sally was yelling at me and I asked her
politely to stop.  She didn't.  So I hit her."  While obviously NOT the correct
response, he did what I had asked him to do which was ask someone to stop
a behavior he didn't like.  He forgot to get help from the teacher next.  The
director asked if they could send him home if he did it again because they
knew he loved coming.  I didn't feel comfortable with that so we starting
looking for a more loving, nurturing school.  He started Montessori about 6
weeks ago.  

The second day of school we got a call that he bit a little girl.  When asked
why he said he was pretending to be an alligator (watched Land Before time
that morning and it had an alligator on it), and that was how they get their
food.  Ok.  The school said acknowledge that he did it, but don't harp on it at
home which we have the tendency to do.  He did well for the next few weeks.  
At conferences, the teacher said that she saw growth but that he still had his
moments.  That he was "too social" and bothered others while they work.  Felt
that could be normal because Montessori is such a different structure than a
typical preschool.  Thought it would take him all year to get used to it.  Also
said he wasn't a fan of being told no.  That didn't surprise me.  Then last
Thursday I got a call that when the kids were called in from recess that he
came running at the teacher with his arms swinging.  He was trying to hit her
and very upset.  When asked why he had trouble communicating what had
happened to set him off.  Wouldn't look at her until he calmed down and was
pointing at several kids saying they did it.  Finally, after a few minutes he said
that another boy punched him in the back and it made him very angry.  The
worst part was that he told the teacher he wanted to kill her.  To cut her.  To
put soap in her mouth.  We don't speak that way although I did recall that my
best friends dad killed himself a few weeks ago and he may have heard us
use that word when we didn't think he was listening.  It was just a very violent
response.  He calmed down enough to go back to class and had a good
afternoon.  

Then today I received a call that he had given one of his "girlfriends" a hug
that was too tight...so the teacher went over to tell him to give her space and
he lost it with the teacher again.  Started swinging, kicking and trying to bite.  
It happened twice and they called me to come get him.  We were out of town
this weekend and the teacher said that perhaps he missed us and just needed
to spend time with us and that tomorrow was a new day.  It's been difficult
for us at home over the past few weeks too.  He's very sensitive and quick to
meltdown.  He says things like "stop yelling at me...I'm scared" and "I just
need somebody to love" or "I still love you."  Not sure if it's worthy to note
that he also started karate at the same time as school.  We are trying to be
patient with him and understand that all these changes are probably very
upsetting for him.  We hug on him alot and reiterate that it is not ok to hurt
our friends or teachers and that we should always use kind words.  When I
ask him what he needs to work on...he says he needs to be good, not bad.  I
think he got labeled as bad in the last school...and in a way likes the word.  
He's gotten attention for the behavior so far, so we really need to find ways to
get him understand that it's the wrong kind of attention.  

Sorry for the long explanation. My question is this.  Should we be concerned
that this is something more than just his adjustment to so many outside
factors.  Moves, me being sick, deaths in the family, new schools, new sister.  
He is extremely outgoing and loving most of the time.  He has never hurt his
baby sister thankfully.  He has a tremendous memory and will also think to
ask someone if they are doing better after being sick or hurt.  My mother had
surgery and he asked a week later if we could call to check on her ouchy toe.  
I just love this little guy so much and want to make sure this is normal
behavior for a boy who just turned 4.  If not, I would love to know what we
should do next for him.  We are up for anything.  Thanks so much!

Answer
Hi Sarah,

Thanks for all the background, it helps me to see the patterns.

Yes, your son has had a great deal of stress in his life. Moving, a new sibling, sick mom, and lost relatives add up in a hurry for one so young. But he also has a loving family and that counts for a lot.

Montessori is a great idea, in general. As with all programs, the skills of the teacher are crucial. It is sad that the "bad boy" label from the other school stuck so well in his mind. Try to catch him doing things right and tell him you appreciate the behavior. Good and bad should seldom be used at all with young kids, especially to describe themselves. I prefer to call "bad" behavior making a mistake. We all make mistakes and we can do better next time. Always give him a "next time, try..." cue.

My answer to "is this normal" is maybe. Children mature at very different rates. It sounds like your son is very bright. Many such children have no patience with their "slower" peers. His emotional maturity is 4 or less, his mind is more like 6. He should eventually get it that hitting, biting, etc. are not socially acceptable.

His advanced verbal ability, his excessively friendly behavior and his trouble with social interaction could signal a disorder like Asperger's syndrome. Children with A.S. don't come with the instinctive understanding that other people have thoughts and feelings just like they do. This is lack of "theory of mind" causes all kinds of social problems. He lashes out because people are more objects than entities.

Contrary to popular belief, A.S. kids can be quite affectionate with their family. They can even have good eye contact unless they are upset as he was on the playground.

Emotional volatility comes from the fact that many A.S. kids don't really recognize their own emotions. They does not realize they are getting angry. The feelings don't have meaning. If this is the case, he needs direct teaching to notice the warning signs that anger is happening before it overtakes him. Talk about how his body becomes tight, his fists clench, his breathing gets faster. Teach him ways to calm as soon as he feels these things happening. Count to 10, take a walk, use words like, "I am getting angry, I need to take a break."

At this point, I don't think you need to seek a diagnosis, just be watchful without hovering. Reinforce desirable behavior with attention, teach feeling words, love him to pieces (as you already do.) Ask his teacher to inform you of major problems but ignore the minor and that good news is always welcome.

If, at the end of this school year, he is still biting and such, I would get a professional evaluation. Early intervention can do a world of good.

Best wishes,
Catherine