Expert: Celtica - 11/16/2008

Question
My mom and stepdad got married about a year ago, and both he and my two stepbrothers have been living with us for about a year and a half. During this time, one of my stepbrothers(13)has been diagnosed as having Aspberger's. He is generally withdrawn from my family and spends a lot of time in his room on the computer. He is constantly rude to my mother, and has lied to her face repeatedly. There have been many conversations about how this is not appropriate, and he understands this. However, he continues to lie and say rude comments. He is seeing a doctor who says not to punish by taking away social things. Unfortunately, once he comes home, he goes right up into his room again. The computer has been taken away, but this makes no difference in his actions. How does one discipline a child such as this? Can social interactions outside the home (sleepovers, dances, etc.) be taken away as punishment? How do we make it clear to my stepbrother that he cannot lie and be rude to my mom?

Answer
Hi,

sorry for the delay in responding.
I don't know much about educating a child (I'm a person with autism, and from my point of view, I *think* my parents just educated me like any other kid, which sometimes worked, and sometimes didn't) - so I'm probably not the right person to ask.

My best guess would be that he misses his own mum very much, and probably thinks that your mom doesn't have the right to be there, and he's just hurting very much (he's just a young teenager in spite of his autism, and puberty is a hard time for everybody, and will make you emotional, and make a transition like living with a whole new family even harder to that person with autism). So he's rude because he's so frustrated and hurt. I don't know. Maybe trying to talk to him and to find out *why* he's rude might be a good idea (not all rudeness is because of a person's autism - in fact, usually people with autism aren't rude on purpose, they just don't know that something they say or do isn't appropriate and such things, and it doesn't happen all the time (at least that's how it is in my life. But then, I'm an adult, and I'm trying very hard not to say or do something that might hurt someone else and feel very sad when it happens). That he's rude so much, and even lies in her face tells me there is certainly more to it than this just being part of his autism.

So - talk to him (if that's possible). Find out, why he's constantly being rude. Ask him if he misses his mum and such things. It might be getting better if he feels taken seriously with his feelings, and might also just need longer to accept his new mom (maybe you should also seek help from a family counselor).

However, contrary to your doctor, if he's just being rude without any good reason (for fun?), I think he should be disciplined like any other child (yes, no sleepovers, seing friends, computer, icecream, chocolate, videogames - as long as any of this doesn't cause him more distress e.g. if he needs to have icecream every night, because it's his "ritual", don't take this away from him, or he'll get very upset, and it will do more damage than good), because he has to learn that he just can't do some things.

Hope that helps,
C.