Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 11/16/2008

Question
My son is 12 yo and has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers.  We have known for a long time that he has ADHD but knew that that didn't explain all of his behaviors.  After much research on my part, I put it all together and he is now properly diagnosed.  Unfortunately for him, he missed out on early intervention and he is now struggling with school issues among others.  My question is this, he refuses to go to school.  We had this happen in 3rd grade and we were able to get him back by my going to school with him for 6 months.  4th grade went smooth, 5th grade it happened again and now he is repeating 5th grade this year and we are back to him refusing to go to school.  I contribute it to his deficit in social skills.  He is causing the family to fall apart financially and emotionally.  We have taken him to therapists and psychologists to the point of almost losing our home.  My husband is out of work because our son won't go to school or any kind of camp in the summer.  Right now, he is sitting in the back of my car everyday going to work with me because I don't want to leave him home alone and my husband has been doing odd jobs to help pay the bills.  The first 2 times he was out of school, he claimed he was afraid I wasn't coming back for him, this time, he claims all the kids are making fun of him. He is much bigger now and its almost impossible to force him to go.  What do I do now?  I seem to get no support from the school, we changed schools from last year as we were paying private tuition and he wasn't going, now he is in public school.  I can't afford any more therapy for him and I just can't have him with me all day, I'm going to lose my job if I'm caught.
I have considered home schooling him, but I would have to be the one to school him because my husband is not capable of this task as I feel he suffers from a lot of the same traits as my son.  I am the bread winner and have the most stable job.  Do you have any suggestions or words of encouragement to offer?

Answer
Hi Karen,

Okay, you already know this can't go on. Your son must to go to school. And, you must keep your job. I agree, home school is not an option. In our state, allowing truancy is a crime. You may be cited if you don't make efforts to get your son to school.

Cognitive therapy seldom works for Asperger's kids because they do not trust and relate in the way that is necessary to accomplish change through talk. If he were younger, behavioral and play therapy could have been helpful. It may be more beneficial for YOU to have a therapist to support you in this journey. I know it was for me.

So, what does work?

Most A.S. kids are quite intelligent. While they are very bad at anticipating the consequences of their actions, they do get it when consequences happen. I am NOT talking about punishment, here. For instance, if you refuse to eat, you get pretty hungry. If you wreck your car, you know you're going to pay to fix it or go without a car. Same principle.

Another reality here is that YOU are the parent. You have to reclaim the authority of that office. He does not have the maturity to make decisions like not attending school.

At home, no more letting him run the show. He is going to get choices that you structure. For example, make dinner, whatever you plan not his favorites all the time, and if he refuses to eat that's fine. But, he does not get food until the next meal. Don't be dramatic, just say, "Okay, see you at breakfast." Make it stick even if you have to lock up the food. This is not abuse, he won't starve. If you can't stand to be that tough, leave some apples on the counter.

Another example. If he leaves his things on the floor, he gets a reminder and a time limit. If they are not picked up, it goes to charity. Don't wimp out! You have to get back in control. This is for everyone's good.

If he's throwing tantrums, he's not too old for time out. He needs to go to his room and calm down. Welcome him back when he is calm and let him start over. If he becomes violent, make it clear that you will call the police. (You are now horrified, right? Consider what will happen when he's 16 if you don't get control now. I only had to do it once.)

Get in touch with the school, request an IEP meeting. Make it clear you are going to arrive at the building with your son every morning and you want a plan in place to get him to a classroom. There needs to be a plan of consequences for misbehavior that are LOGICAL not punitive. If the school seems clueless, encourage them to contact the state department of education for their expertise. They cannot refuse to educate him they have to accommodate some how.

As to the kids making fun of him? Probably true but he's not alone. The school should have anti-bullying policies. Find out what they are and get them working for him. One thing we had to teach our daughter is that the world is neither fair nor kind. Get tough because that's how it is.

Now, one thing you need for leverage is something your son cares about. What does he like to do? Most A.S. kids have an obsession. For our daughter, it was cats and art. The school needs to start out centering his school work around his passion to get him engaged. Gradually, they can branch out to more general topics.

Rewards should be structured around his passions. Television time, computer time, art supplies, books on his favorite topic... be creative. He must EARN these goodies. Don't let the TV babysit just because you don't want to manage him. (I know, you're exhausted but it will get easier.)

Catch him doing something(s) right every day. Notice, give a direct compliment. "Thanks for hanging up your coat. Our house looks nicer."

Check out the web site <loveandlogic.com>. Their child rearing methods saved our family.

So, here is the list:

Set limits, enforce consequences, make a plan with the school, stick to it. Get support for yourself. Find a group of parents who have kids on the autistic spectrum. You can do an Internet search with the  word "autism" and your state and/or nearest major city to find the organizations near you.

This is going to take time. His school refusal has been going on for several years. Be persistent. You can succeed. It's a win-win.

Best wishes,
Catherine