Expert: Trey McGowan - 11/18/2008

Question
my 20 month old grandson. the doctor reccomends him to early intervention. the parents think its crazy. he does not talk. he can say some words at his discreation.i did the m-chatand he has8 failed and two bold.  i try to be supportive but am afarid he is missing out on months he may never get back. any suggestions. i do not question them. iam worrying.

Answer
Hi there, Donna!

You say 'I do not question them', and yet you are doing just that right here. The thing is, you do not question them *aloud*, and that is an important difference. Think about what you are doing, and you will find that you no doubt do question them, and quite intensely.

Why am I saying this, when it may be something that is painfully obvious? Because I cannot make a decision like this for you. I am simply an AllExperts expert, who gives information and personal expertise (or in this case 'expertise') to give you a hand. I'm not a doctor (as I've said many times), so I can't say whether the child themselves are autistic. And in this case, the doctors have already done that job. I'm not a family therapist, so I can't get the group together and do the intervention with you.

My pointing out that 'you are questioning them', however, is not a bad thing. The very reason you are questioning them is that your gut tells you something is very wrong. A doctor has even stated that early intervention is recommended, and while I am not a person who believes implicitly in what doctors say, I *am* one who believes that many, if not most, of them are knowledgeable and the first and foremost place to go for a genuine diagnosis.

The more you stay quiet, the less your children can hear that yet another person is concerned. And very probably someone who means a lot to them. If you are indeed concerned about them, and as I point out above you obviously are since you came here, then talking with them is the only way that voice is going to get heard. Or at the very least, prepare a letter for them, and make sure that they can get the feeling in that letter. A letter can be even easier, as it means that you don't have to be directly involved in it until after they've read the 'opening statements', plus it means that they are more likely to hear the whole story rather than being able to interrupt.

Just remember: this may very well not be easy. No matter what causes it, denial is a very difficult thing to work around. No parent likes to think that there is something wrong with their child, and some will try and hold on to that denial longer than others. And being that this is their child, it is very likely that you may feel like you're beating against a brick wall if the denial is too solid. By saying nothing, though, you *ensure* that they get to stay in that world of denial and that nothing will get done. By opening your mouth, you may make them unhappy, but you will have put another straw on that stack, and eventually the weight of it will get through to them.

If they trust their doctor, you may want to speak with him and get him to offer some information to them. You yourself will still need to add your own voice in, but at least the information about the autism (or whatever ASD is being suggested) can be given by a medical professional in that way, and may hold more weight. Information should (if possible) come from professionals; it gives it more weight. But in the same way, and for the same reason, feelings from the heart should come from close family.

I wish you the best, and hope that it will go well in one way or another! Questions, comments, all that hullabaloo, can be directed back here; I love to hear from people!

Trey