Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 12/18/2008

Question
My son is 10 years old and is having a hard time with his temper at school
both with teachers and friends.  His teachers have now labeled him as
disrespectful and are trying to institute all kids of negative consequences.  
What kinds of things can we try in the school setting to help him with his
daily arguments with both teachers and peers.  How can we help the teachers
see that this is part of his disability and that he is not a bad kid?  He seems to
get very stressed out in the school environment as a whole and yet the
teachers seem to keep raising the bar for him.  He does well in school but he
has to work so hard to do it.  Sometimes it seems like he just can't hold it all
together.  Any advice????

Answer
Hi Claire,

You need to determine if he is not being "compliant" quickly enough. Or if he is truly being disrespectful. Does this "disrespect" takes the form of disagreements due to opinion or foul language?

It is clearly a violation of respect to curse, call names, or make derogatory comments. It is not, necessarily, a breach of respect to have a difference of opinion.

Have this conversation with his teachers by asking for some specific examples of his behavior. Not, "he always talks back." But, "today he refused to turn in his paper because he had a torn corner on it." Or, "Wednesday, he called me a jerk and spit at me." Ask what the situation was at the time of the "offense." I'm sure you can see the difference and I hope the teachers can, also.

I would hope you can get his teachers to lighten up by pointing out, again, that he is socially "deaf" and does not read their intentions from the non-verbal cues and tone of voice. Just like a deaf person, his tone of voice is not going to be automatically appropriate, either.

As for ways to help him, redirection is my preference to punishment. If he responds with argument to a direction to line up for music class, the teacher should make a statement like, "I need you to come get in line so we can be on time to music. Do it now, please." (Being polite does not undermine her/his authority. It models appropriate social behavior.) Issuing orders like a military officer is not the way to get compliance from many children, not just autistic ones. (I don't know if this is the case, but it might be.)

The other key element is POSITIVE reinforcement for appropriate behavior. His teachers should bother to notice when he does comply promptly or say something kind or friendly. He/she should say something like, "Thank you for putting your chair up so quietly." "How nice of you to pick up Suzy's book for her." Some of these kids thrive on earning "points" to trade for special activities or rewards.

Another issue is usually emotional delay. He is likely to be working with an emotional age about 3 years behind his real age. It's not his fault and he will continue to mature in this way, just with the lag. As he gets older, he will have more experience to draw upon. These kids have to learn each situation separately, they do not generalize information from one to another.

Best wishes,
Catherine