Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 12/12/2008

Question
QUESTION: My son is 4 and is somewhere on the spectrum, just not sure where at this point--probably PDD-NOS.  We have extreme difficulty when we have to discipline our other children.  If we raise our voice at all or use any type of discipline, our son just loses it.  He ends up in more trouble than the one being disciplined.  He used to just have a tantrum, but now as he is more verbal he will be confrontational with us.  Should he be disciplined for interference?  If so, how?  His preschool teacher has this difficulty, also.  Our son is incredibly emotionally responsive and is VERY sensitive, which is both awesome! and frustrating at the same time.  HELP!  I am very nervous at failing at this with him.  Thank you!!!!!

ANSWER: Hi Sandra,

Some kids on spectrum actually over-identify with others. Their pain is his pain. Conversely, their joy may also be his.

An exaggerated sense of justice is very often at the root of spectrum people's reaction to discipline. They interpret rules very literally and can be either overly punitive to themselves, while they cannot stand to see others corrected.

It is a common issue with spectrum kids that their emotional development is behind their age. He is probably trying to deal with this as a two year old, emotionally, while his mental age may be at or beyond his years.

Whenever possible, discipline should not happen in his presence. I know this cannot be done, all the time. Do stick to a calm tone of voice and use the most logical consequences possible. Check out the web site of Love and Logic, <http://www.loveandlogic.com>. This program saved our bacon in child rearing.

Don't be too nervous. You have identified an issue in plenty of time to deal with it. Work on teaching your son he is a separate person from others. Also, talk about how discipline is meant to guide people in being better, happier people. Always offer a "next time, it would be better, or could you try..." statement so that the child has a clue what to do.

Lastly, realize that he learns by rote and does not generalize. Each new situation requires new learning. Just because he knows to share his truck in the sandbox does not mean he will share a ball on the playground. Over time, he will accumulate information that covers most situation, but he will still get thrown a loop once in a while.

Hang in there, this gets better as he matures.

Best wishes,
Catherine



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you SO MUCH.  Could his over-identifying with others also be why he wants his 2 1/2 year old brother to do the same things that he is doing?  Like today, they were wearing hats, each the same style but a different color.  When my 2 1/2 year old took his off, my son would get mad and want him to put it back on.  This happens probably once a day, at least.

Answer
Hi again,

Yes, he is more able to see himself in his brother. This "parallel" play is more common in younger children but, as we already mentioned, he is emotionally young.

These kids do better when they can lead. He understands his own ideas. He probably lacks, "theory of mind" which is the understanding that others have thoughts and feelings. This shows up in his tendency to treat his brother more as his toy than a companion. Problems arise as he gets older and wants to run the show with his peers. Once they start thinking for themselves, they are going to refuse and he is not going to know how to handle it.

He will have to be directly taught about this. Look into "social stories" as a teaching tool. Basically, they are simple story books that feature one social skill or situation and demonstrate appropriate behavior. You can even order them with his name for the main character or you can create them yourself.

Use the Internet to find many good resources. Here are a few links to get you started:

http://www.neurodiversity.com/main.html (many links to books, articles and resources)

http://www.patientcenters.com/autism/news/resources.html (books and resources)

http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/as/asteachersites.html (teaching resources)

http://www.polyxo.com/socialstories/ (example stories you can use)

Happy holidays!
Catherine