Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 12/17/2008

Question
Hi Sharon,
We have a 3 and 1/2 year old boy whom recently been diagnose with Autism.  Both my husband and I are working full time.  I am wondering whether it would make a different if I stay home and dedicate my time to my son in helping him getting better.  We are currently having fortnightly speech therapist for him as well as enrolling him into 3 full days Kinder (I leave in Australia).  We  will be doing ocupational theraist for him in January.  I have 1 day off every fortnight to hang out with him but not sure if staying at home full time would make a diffrent in his life.  

Please help.
Thank you.
Nguyen.

Answer
What a difficult dilemma for you. It's one that many parents struggle with, even parents of kid who do not have any diagnosis.

This is an especially rough time for you as you cope with the news of your son's diagnosis. Although for many people receiving the actual diagnosis is almost a relief. Sometimes it's easier to have a name to put to those vague worries you've been having.

It sounds like you have a lot of assistance lined up for your little boy. Three full days of kindergarten is nice for a three year old. Plus you'll have the assistance of an OT and speech therapist. What a great team you've marshaled around you.

He'll be fully occupied for three days a week. Would it make that much difference if you were at home on those three days while he's at school?

If you were not working, it might make getting your son to his speech and OT appointments easier, unless you have an understanding employer or helpful relatives.

Being at home more often with your child may make a difference in his life. Maybe. No one of course is more loving or concerned than parents.

But having a child with autism, can be wearying, no matter how much you love your child. Some of us feel we are better parents if we have some time away from our children to regroup, re-energize and turn our mind to other things for short periods of time. Other people feel that being a stay-at-home parent is their life's calling and feel most productive that way.

Part of this decision may depend on what happens to your son on those two days when he is not in kinder. Is he with people you trust? People who understand him and will gently lead in the direction he should be going? Will they follow suggestions made by the SLP and OT?

Another important consideration is money. Just how much of a hardship will it be for your family to exist on one salary? Sometimes it's possible to adjust your way of living to fit the amount of disposable income you have coming in. Other times, switching to one income may make life very difficult and you may have enough stress in your lives as it is. When you're talking finances though, you'll need to take into account the amount of money you're currently spending on child care and any income tax advantages of being a one income family.

If what you are really asking is that if you stay home with your son, will you be able to do enough that the autism will all go away? The answer, in my opinion, is no. No amount of love, care, attention and therapy will erase the autism. Are you familiar with Temple Grandin? She's probably the most famous person with autism. She lectures all over the world, has written several books and is a professor at Colorado State University in the United States. You might want to read some of Temple's books, such as:

- Emergence: Labelled Autistic http://tinyurl.com/8etbw2

- Thinking in Pictures http://tinyurl.com/9gwc8j

- The Way I See It: A Personal Look at Autism and Asperger's http://tinyurl.com/86suss

Temple firmly believes that "once autistic, always autistic". I agree.

But that is not to say that a person with an autism spectrum disorder will not grow and change, acquiring new skills and strategies. Your son will. Many adults with autism lead productive, independent lives. At age three, no one knows just how far your child will progress. But I would not go so far as to say that your son's future outlook depends on having him mom stay at home with him full-time.

Is there a chance that you could compromise? Is it possible for you to work part-time? In an ideal world, you might be able to be home with him on the two days he is not at kinder.

This may not be a decision that need be set in stone. Perhaps you'll work some of the time and be a stay-at-home mom during some of his life.

While it's not an easy thing to decide, I don't think you need feel that your child's whole well-being hinges on this one thing.

Best wishes,

Sharon A. Mitchell, B.A., B.Ed., M.A.
www.autismsite.ca