Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 2/19/2008

Question
My 10 year old step son was diagnosed with ADD 5 years ago.  Last May they changed his diagnosis to Aspergers Syndrome.  He has always been an incredibly well spoken and bright child.  However, he often gets into fights at school resulting in being sent to the office or sent home.  Recently he has been refusing to turn in homework, actually tearing it up or cutting it up in front of the teacher / class, and refusing to participate in classroom activities.  If he actually takes the test, he usually does fairly well.  He can get strait A's one marking period and D's the next.  

We only see him on Thursday nights and every other weekend so I am not the best judge but we do not see this behavior at home.  When asked about what he is feeling or why he did something at school he states that he doesn't know or he doesn't remember.  The only thing we have gotten out of him is that his mom makes him mad and the noises at school bother him.  

He was held back in kindergarten and the school thinks he will have to go to summer school this year and possibly repeat 4th grade (two marking periods of D's).  I want to show him that we care and that we are here to support him but I also want to help him see the consequences of his actions and help him work on his anger.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Answer
Hi Carrie,

This kind of behavior is common among A.S. kids. For some it is about controlling one of the few things they can, their own performance. For others, it is a fear of failure. "If I destroy it, it (meaning I) cannot be judged."

Rather than asking him "why", try asking him what would help him be more comfortable at school. If noises are a problem, see if the school will allow him to wear ear plugs. Many A.S. kids have extremely sensitive hearing and find background noise distracting and sudden loud noises painful. This can be written into his I.E.P.

Working with anger in a child who probably has difficulty even recognizing that he is feeling anger is difficult. Teach him to recognize the beginning of frustration can help him avoid outbursts. Point out the tight stomach, clenched fists, rapid breathing or pounding heart that precede acting out. Help him learn self-calming techniques like deep breathing or focusing on a calm vision.

Logical consequences for behavior are important. Failing a grade may get his attention. It may not, however, depending on how invested he is in school success. He needs to know that destroying his homework only hurts himself, not the teacher or class.

Since you are not the custodial parent, it will be difficult to do much more. I think a good counselor is in order. Perhaps you can convince his mother of the same.

Best wishes,
Catherine