Expert: Paul Johnson - 2/1/2008

Question
Hello!  I am 50 and have struggled all my life with relationships.  I am usually very good at superficial relationships because I understand the rituals involved.  I can also manage subordinates and children.  I really don't understand how to have meaningful social relationships.  I tend to keep people at arm's length but I really want to have friendships that are meaningful.  Can you tell me how to go about learning how to interact beyond the superficial?

Answer
Hey Terry,

Thank you for your thoughtful and important question.

Relationships are one of the central issues that we on the spectrum struggle with. The committed friendships where there is daily sharing is a challenge because there is so much for us to have to respond to correctly and maintain.

The greatest challenge typically is for us to know how to meet the expectations of a close friend, when we are guessing at what is expected of us. I believe the question of: Would it be okay if...?, Should help to bridge the gap between what you do not understand and what the partner might desire.

I think it might be a good idea to tell the person you are interested in that you are interested in being attentive to them. This way when you say to them would you like if I... They would receive it in light of you being sensitive to them and their needs, not that you are ignorant to the social interactions in an intimate/meaningful relationship.

Also you could begin pairing that question with what would you like me to do? I must hasten to add; be careful to ask these questions strategically, meaning a little at a time because to ask them repeatedly would come across as overwhelming. I know it is another trait of individuals on the ASD to repeat things that work too much. So be careful to ask these questions a little at a time and couple them with "because I really am interested in responding to you and your needs".

Last I wish to mention that it is important to be very observant. We learn so much through observation. Watch how others in meaningful relationships respond to each other. To me those not on the spectrum tend to go overboard in trying to make sure they are attending to the other person and what they might like. They tend to cater very much to the other's desires and engage in much small talk as a ritual for bonding. Try to bond more through activities like going fishing together or a car wash, this way the activity bonds you more than what you say and do directly.

For us on the spectrum, close relationships are like diamonds they are precious because they do not stick around long. But we can learn. And like you learned to do the superficial relationships well, you can become more effective here as well.

Paul