Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 3/3/2008

Question
Dear Sharon
I am the biological mother of a 4 year old boy who was diagnosed with PDD-NOS last December.  Since then, my husband and (sons adoptove father) and I have separated and are currently beginning mediation regarding custody and visitation of my son and our baby due June 2008.
Currently my husband has visitation with my son Mon & Wed from 5.30pm - 7.30pm, alternative Fridays from 4.30pm - 7.30pm, and every Saturday from 9.00 am - 8.00 pm.
He is pushing for overnight stays , but my pediatrician does not think that it would be in my sons best interests.  My son is showing signs of distress with the current schedule - he is bed wetting on the nights that he sees my husband, and has previously shown signs of regression with tantrums and clinginess to me (I have always been his primary caregiver).

My question is, are overnight stays recommended - I don't seem to be able to find much information on the subject, and also what would you consider to be a good visitation schedule (either with or without overnight stays)?

Answer
You little boy is lucky to have two parents who obviously love him and want to spend time with him.

You likely can't find much information on this subject because although your son has PDD-NOS, he's an individual. It's not possible to make a blanket statement that all kids with autism spectrum disorders will benefit or not benefit from overnight visits or joint custody situations.

Any child benefits from contact with adults who love and care for him. But I presume you're concerned about the confusion created by experiencing two living situations. The distress your son is showing may be because he's seen his father, misses him and does not understand why the family no longer lives together. The bed wetting, tantrums and clinging are behaviors that you might see in many four olds thrust into such a situation.

Even if a child has PDD-NOS, he can get past the current confusion and fall into the new pattern of spending time (even overnights) with both parents. Kids with autism spectrum disorders crave order and stability. When life follows a predictable pattern, they are much happier. Perhaps your son's new pattern will include time spent in each home.

To help your boy adjust, you might try some of these ideas:

- keep other areas of your life as routine and predictable as possible

- use a visual schedule to show your son when he'll be with you and when he'll be with his dad

- each morning, go over the daily schedule to let him know what will be happening

- is there a favorite toy or comfort object that he can keep with him no matter which home he's in?

- whether he's in your house or that of your husband, try to keep to the same schedule and routines - supper around the same time, the same bedtime routines, etc.

- when he leaves you for his visit with your husband, don't let your anxieties show. This is all about the child. Show him that visits with his dad are a good thing and not a source of conflict between the adults.

- ensure that even when his living arrangements vary (on schedule), his schooling situation remains the same.

But I'm speaking in generalities since I don't know this child. To make a determination about what's best for your son, I'd suggest you have a psychologist who understands autism make an assessment. Sometimes a neutral third party, without the same emotional investments at stake as the parents, can look at what's in the best interests of the child.

Going between two parents is hard on any child, but more so when that child has autism. It is possible to make it work though through a lot of hard work, patience and planning on the parts of the parents.

Sharon A. Mitchell, B.A., B.Ed., M.A.
http://www.autismsite.ca