Expert: Paul Johnson - 3/8/2008

Question
I'm sorry to bother you, but I really need some advice. I was diagnosed with high functioning autism three years ago, which I'm aware is rarer in girls. However, I have been seeing a man for 4 months or so - I'm 17, he's 20 - and he has autism too, but quite a lot worse than me. We both also have pretty bad depression, and whereas I am over the worst of it (I was in a psych unit for 2 years) he is finding life very difficult. We are so similar in so many ways, but he is far less communicative than me, and  is retreating into his computer games (he is what I believe is commonly refered to as a 'geek'). He has reiterated on many occasions that he feels bad about ignoring me, but if he just talks to me or does anything that does not require his full concentration, he begins to twitch and takes longer and longer to react or respond to me. I am very confused and lost and do not know what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely, Jess

Answer
Hey Jess,

Thank you for your important and thoughtful question.

I first would like to apologize for the delay in answering the question as I have had a small crisis in my life that required some attention.

Relationships with individuals on the Autism Spectrum of Disorders are always challenging becuase we have our unique set of behaviors and communication styles. A relationship with both people on the ASD,
will be especially challenging. There is a difference between the emotional and cognitive functioning between the two of you. When there is a difference between the mental/cognitive functioning of a couple, that difference can be reconciled by addressing the person with the lower cognitive functioning by breaking down concepts until understanding is made and the two can communicate accordingly. However when there is a variance in the emotional levels, the person on the lower level of functioning will be challenge at being able to recipricate emotionally. A person will have to have a certain level of emotions growth to give and meet another's needs emotionally.

The question to ask you self is does his Autism keep him form being at the level where he will be able to meet your needs emotionally. If he is not at the level where he can meet your emotional needs the next question should be directed at your self:
What am I looking to get out of this relationship? Don't hang in the relationship for his sake, it would not work. The best relationships have to be reciprical. Just because you understand him does not mean the two of you are best for each other.

Maybe you need to simply observe how well he does when he is seeking to approach you. He might do better when he is the aggressor.

I wish to two of you well. Let me know how things turn out.