Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 3/31/2008

Question
My 5 1/2 yr old nephew has mild to moderate autism. In Feb of 2007, he began to use the toilet and just needed help when it came to wiping and pulling up his underwear. He never had accidents!  Then in June of 2007, we were at my in laws home celebrating my nephew's graduation from pre-k.  My daughter was so involved with playing that she had an accident. My husband did raise his voice a little bit and did reprimand her-she was to the point that she was aware of when she had to use the toilet. My nephew was around for this.  Later that evening my nephew refused to use the toilet and began to have accidents.  My sister in law, 100% blames my husband. That because he disciplined our child in front of my nephew, it is the cause of him not wanting to use the toilet.  When we offered to come over and try and rectify the situation, maybe having my husband sit with him we were refused.  To my knowledge, my nephew does pee on the potty now but not poop.  Could my husband really be 100% to blame for this? It's been 9 months.  My sister in laws exact words were that my nephew has potty issues because my husband overreacted and yelled at his child in front of her son.  Does this mean that we will never be allowed to discipline our girls in front of my nephew for fear that what ever they did, will affect him and we will be blamed? I have written to you before about my nephew hitting my girls, we have not spoken to my brother in law and sister in law in 2 1/2 months.  We have been deemed that we do not care enough because we do not call everyday to see how my nephew is but when we comment back about them not checking on my girls we have been told that our girls are not autistic and not in school.  This has been such a trying situation.  Any help or insight you can give would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks, Melissa

Answer
Hi Melissa,

Family dynamics get really messed up, sometimes, when an autistic child is involved. In truth, however, I think you might have had problems with your sister-in-law even if her son was "normal." She sounds very controlling.

It is true that your nephew may have reacted to seeing your daughter reprimanded for having an accident. It is not your fault that he is that sensitive. That it has gone on this long is definitely not your husband's doing. I suspect the parents are unwittingly reinforcing the issue by making such a big deal out of it. He is getting "mileage", now. Defiant behavior is part of the autism package.

I suggest you just choose a "live and let live" philosophy. Calling to check on this boy is absurd. He's not dying of some dread disease.

Take a deep breath and go on. If there are family gatherings, not at either of your homes, go and participate. Don't engage in discussions of discipline or child-rearing. If it is necessary to discipline your children, do it privately, if possible. (This is just good policy to keep from embarrassing them in front of Grandma or their cousins.)

I will tell you that parents of autistic children are often criticized for the behavior of their children and accused of poor parenting. Some  develop a nice, thick skin, but others become overly sensitive and see criticism and sabotage where there is none. I can't tell you how many times my daughter was called "spoiled" and I was accused of being too permissive.

This may or may not be some of the reason why your sister-in-law behaves as she does.

I wish I could be of more help. I know this is hard.

Best wishes,
Catherine