Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 3/24/2008

Question
My question is similar to that of another person's here.  We are in the process of having my son "officially" diagnosed with aspergers (although his psychologist, and psychiatrist think he has "tendencies" and have referred us for a formal dx) He has the classic signs and I wish I had known earlier.  That aside...I have always given my child cues/rituals in order to get him to go somewhere, or leave somewhere, bed time etc.  I also tried the time-out but he would get violent (even at age 4-5) and dismantle his whole entire room if I didn't physically restrain him while he screamed bloody murder.  He would eventually get over this and go on as if nothing ever happened (sometimes literally 2-3 hours later).  I am wondering now that he is too big for me to physically restrain him (and my husband gets too "physical" with him) what can I do?  He has gotten worse over the year as we switched schools (he refused to go for three months...while I searched for help)  We drug him in kicking and screaming but the private school he was in said they were not equipped for him.  I repect this decision and understand.  As I was floundering I found a "day treatment" school and have him enrolled ther where he rcives therapy 1/2 days and 1 on 3 or 4 schooling the other 1/2 day.  My question is...what type of consequences should he recieve when he has a "melt-down" and for how long.  We have typically grounded him from TV (a biggie for him) for up to a week but it is aweful for the rest of us...It's almost like MY consequence.  He will follow me around the house begging to watch "just one show", "can I watch now..."  I can barely stand it.  He is literally "in my face"  The school has now taken on the consequence phase but I am not entirely sure that I agree with the "isolation" they give him during the "free time."  They disagree with his tentative diagnosis, they think he is Oppositional Defiant Disordered.  I agree he can be dfiant at times but I truely believe that when he has these "melt-downs" he is encapable of stopping/regulating them at this point.  I think he needs to be taught how to do this instead of the way I used to restrain him and "force" him to de-esculate.  But yet I don't want to be a parent that is being "played" as the school puts it.  He is an angel at school and never gets into trouble...except bickering with other children of who is right and how to play games etc.  Please give me feedback as to what to do during these "melt-downs."

Answer
Hi Melissa,

First, the school is wrong to tell you your son is "playing" you. A.S. kids usually have huge attachment issues with their primary parent. They will defy you to the end of the Earth. I believe this is about a damaged ability to separate, which most kids start doing at the age of 2 or 3. Pick your battles.

I am not a big fan of kids being isolated during "free time" as a consequence because it robs them of social learning opportunities they desperately need. However, they have limited resources to impose control so you may have to just leave that alone and concentrate on what happens at home. I told my daughter that if she broke the law, the law would be in charge of the consequences, I would not bail her out.

He has reached the age of the first hormone surges. His temper will be short and his behavior unpredictable (think normal teenager times 10). This is not your fault. A.S. kids are emotionally younger than their bodies by about 3-4 years. He acts like a 7 year old because he is, inside.

By the way, Oppositional Defiant "Disorder" is a behavioral description, NOT a primary diagnosis. Most A.S. kids have that type of behavior in adolescence.

I want to refer you to a discipline philosophy that worked very well for us. It is called "Love and Logic." Basically, it stresses that parents should be consultants, not drill sergeants or rescuers. Logical consequences are key and the neat part is that you DO NOT name the consequences in advance. It just has to fit the situation. The reason that this works is that the kid can't decide, in advance, whether it is worth the risk to disobey.

For instance: he gets angry and breaks his iPod. Your response is, "Oh, that's really sad." (Be sincere) If he says, "buy me a new one." Your response is that you bought the first one and that's all you can afford, but you would be glad to help him find some ways to earn the money to replace it himself. You may, of course, have to provide the chores and pay him yourself, but he still gets it that he is responsible for the replacement.

Harassing you about a consequence should also have a consequence. We put a lock on our bedroom door. I took "time outs" away from the child if needed. I have always told my children that I simply cannot hear "whining" and then I refuse to respond until the tone of voice or volume is acceptable.

Your son needs to begin to take responsibility for his own consequences. During a calm time, discuss some scenarios with him and the consequences he thinks he should have. You will probably be surprised that they are more harsh than you would impose. Use your adult judgment.

Tell your husband that physical discipline is a big mistake with kids on the autistic spectrum. They cannot separate hurting other people from being hurt by people who love them. Revenge fantasies abound in these kids.

Visit the website <loveandlogic.com> and order some of their audio tapes. Listen to them in the car when your son is not with you. Great stuff! (By the way, I have no financial stake in this, it just works)

Here are some other resources:

http://www.neurodiversity.com/main.html (many links to books, articles and resources)

http://www.patientcenters.com/autism/news/resources.html (books and resources)

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/asperger/asperger.htm (the definitions and
government links)

http://www.autism.org/ (many links to information)

http://www.autism.org/temple/meds.html (about medication)

http://www.aspergers.com/Adolesc.htm (adolescence and puberty issues)

Best wishes,
Catherine