Expert: Celtica - 4/2/2008

Question
My son displayed signs of Aspergers when he was very small, and he now privately identifies himself has having Aspergers. But, he is very high functioning as a top high school honor student and classical musician. He is well-liked but not popular in the sense of being asked to lots of parties. Girls often flag him down at the mall, but he just says "Hi" and keeps walking, at least when he's with me. He walked and talked at 9 months, ran at 10 months, knew his colors and numbers and shapes at 18 months, all his letters at age two and read and theorized about theoretical math concepts at age three. He read at the third grade level when he had his fourth birthday and the tenth grade level when he was five. He was extremely verbal, using complex sentences and a huge vocabulary when he was age two and some adults were intimidated by his fluency by the time he was five. He read 800 pages per day by age seven, and he taught himself social skills by observation, analysis and testing various techniques. I unschooled him as a single parent, customizing his education moment to moment until I was diagnosed with cancer and put him in school at age 12.5. He then tested higher than 98 per cent of college-bound seniors before the age of 13. At 13, he took college algebra, was selected for regional orchestra after less than a year of playing and no private lessons, was invited to join the college orchestra, earned a scholarship for lessons, joined an audition-only orchestra, earned top honors in regional math and spelling, earned a 2150/2400 on his SAT, and went to the state math tournament. At fourteen, he made all region high school for cello, was selected for the elite Brainstorm team, built a robot from scratch, and was moved up to the high school's top orchestra. He also studied college chemistry, economics and popular science. At fifteen, he began to study college calculus, college physics for fun. The first two years he was in public school, he got the school award for most reading points though he was not in school the whole year the first year and read only a minority of his books from school. He now is a reading addict, but he also does outdoor chores and most of the work of grocery shopping weekly. He is flexible but absent minded at times, resists using a planner, but can remember conversations from years earlier.

Well, this child was offered evaluation and treatment for Aspergers when I mentioned that he may have it, but his pediatrician, who has a child with Aspergers, discouraged that. My son is seen as different but not as learning disabled. He is seen by many teachers as "amazing" and not as wierd. I chose not to go with formal evaluation or treatment, and that was my son's preference.

I know, and he knows, that we both have symptoms of this. I have trouble in my career because I refuse to lie or break laws or policies. I am nice about it, asking questions and offering alternatives. But, where I live, it is more important to make everyone happy than to produce good results or be ethical. I have friends and am seen as charming, but people get frustrated with me being "too technical." Engineering jobs are few here, and I have been most successful in engineering companies.

I am reluctant to move my son as he's only got three more years to graduate, and who knows if he will be welcomed with such open arms elsewhere.

Am I making a mistake by not getting my son social skills training? Though I'm very outgoing, in rough work environments, I feel confused and betrayed. I don't want my son to experience this if I can help it.

What can I do so that we can learn together while he is still at home? If I help him, perhaps I can help myself too!

Jane

Answer
Hi,

this is difficult to answer. If he feels he doesn't need a diagnosis and is happy the way he is, you should probably respect that. If he's happy in his school and isn't bullied, you also should not move him.
While it is true that in many areas of business showing social competence seems to be more important than good work, there are also many areas like IT where being "geeky" or "weird", and yes, even "autistic" is usually acepted.
I'm not sure if you should try to become someone you aren't (try to be outgoing when you feel shy, or talk when you don't feel like saying something, or try to hold back when you feel you should really say something).
I never had social skills training though, and don't know if they would try to force you into becoming someone you aren't just to be more compatible with "the world".
I'd rather say...learn to be happy with who you are, only seek the company of people who accept you as the person you are and like you for who you are, and find a workplace where your personality is respected and your quirks are accepted. I know it's possible ! It may take longer to find a job like that, but such jobs are out there.

Hope this helps, sorry if I'm not expressing myself very eloquently - thinking in words is difficult today.

C.