Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 7/3/2008

Question
Dear Sharon,

My wife and I have been separated for seven months and are going through a divorce. After I left my seven year old son began hitting himself and making noises. He was diagnosed with PDD Aspergers and possible Bipolar Disorder.

He won't spend time with me unless he is at his house and my wife is there. He has not showed signs of improvement after seven months. My wife says that we have to make it work or Cody will regress to the point of not functioning like he was, permanently.

It would be near impossible for us to have a healthy marriage. It is true that Cody may regress permanently if I don't move back in the house? How do I help him? Thank you for your help.

Sincerely,
Brian

Answer
How heartbreaking for all of you.

It sounds like Cody is acting like many young children when their parents are divorcing. Kids will do what they can to try to pull their parents back into the home in an attempt to make things return to the way they once were, or the way the child would like things to be.

If Cody has a diagnosis of Asperger's then he has intelligence within the average range and has acceptable language skills. It's not that he's unable to understand that his parents aren't able to live together, it's that he does not want to accept this and is trying to pull you in. Hence, his refusal to see you unless the three of you are together.

No, I don't think Cody will permanently regress if you do not move back home. But he may well make you and his mom pay for disrupting his life. Any seven year old would be sad and show this in his behavior. He could be moody, withdrawn, be clingy, act out with tantrums and behave as he would have at a younger age. If a typical seven year old would show these behaviors, a child with an autism spectrum disorder would more so.

Kids with autism are creatures of habit. They feel more settled when in a predictable routine. Cody's previous routine consisted on full-time care by two parents who loved him. Now his day-to-day care is likely offered by only his mother if you're not in the home. Even if his mom provides stellar care, he'll still be unhappy because of the change. And because he misses you.

But if you and your wife were together just for Cody's sake, would he be able to detect your unhappiness?

If you return to the home because of your son's behaviors, is it possible that Cody would get the message that his manipulations were what did the trick? That's quite a burden to place on a little kid.

If you and your wife truly feel that you are better off living apart, then Cody will survive. Many kids have close relationships with divorced parents. Retaining or ending your marriage is a decision to be made by two adults, not a child.

But helping Cody handle the split sounds like your first priority. To begin with, I'd suggest that you and your wife seek counseling, preferably with someone familiar with autism who can see all three of you individually and together.

In the meantime, you and your wife can assist Cody in getting used to a new routine - a routine where he lives with his mom and has great visits with his dad.

Most people with autism, even highly verbal people, take in information that they see better than when they listen. Although you definitely need to talk to Cody about the separation and reassure him of your love and continued presence in his life, you can much of this explanation with visuals.

Put on the fridge a schedule of when Cody will see you. For the day of your visit, have a visual outline of what you plan to do. This could be done in pictures (line drawings or photos) or in words, if Cody reads well. For instance, your schedule could say:

9:00 - dad arrives
9:05 - show dad new toys
9:30 - get dressed to go to the park with dad and mom
10:00 - mom leaves to go shopping
11:00 - dad and Cody go for pizza

Some or part of your visits could include both you and your wife then gradually they could involve just you and Cody.

You'll find some information on how to use visual schedules (and free pictures) at www.do2learn.com

Another way to help explain things to Cody is through social stories. A social story lets him know what's going to happen, what's expected of him, etc. You could start a binder of social stories to go over with your son. And, start a scrapbook of the fun things you do together - the three of you and just the two of you.

Here's some information on social stories:

http://www.polyxo.com/socialstories/

http://www.autisminspiration.com/public/306.cfm

http://autism.healingthresholds.com/therapy/social-stories#rowe

http://www.autisminspiration.com/public/department47.cfm

This is a scary time for Cody. And the anger he's feeling will make him more afraid. Talking with a knowledgeable counselor as well as seeing his parents remain calm, loving and unmoved by his manipulations will help get used to new routines and to the new reality of his family.

Best of luck,

Sharon A. Mitchell, B.A., B.Ed., M.A.
www.autismsite.ca