Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 8/22/2008

Question
Dear Ms. Ridenour,
My son, Isaac, age 8, PDD NOS (very high functioning) is struggling with being away from me, his mother, even for 5-10 minutes.  I am so thankful that I can homeschool him.  I am wondering if you've had any experience with your own or other children who have struggled with being away from their parents.  Isaac’s fear is so severe that the neurologist called it attachment disorder/separation anxiety.  There has been a “traumatic trigger” in Isaac’s life (when he was 5.)  His Uncle (age 30, whom he was very close to) unexpectedly died due to a stroke from having emergency open heart surgery. The whole ordeal has been a huge grieving journey for our family.

Here are my questions:
1. Have you experienced any separation issues where your child goes bizerk & has panic attacks & is clearly fearful?  We realize there may be some manipulation going on too…
2. If so, how have you handled it?  Do you “force” your child to separate from you?
3. Do you recommend counseling? We went to a counselor recommend by our neurologist but he was very judgmental & critical & irritated with us & Isaac.  He did not come alongside us & try to help.


Thanks for any suggestions or advice you can offer.

A Mom who loves her son,
Rachel  

Answer
Hi Rachel,

Separation anxiety is something we do have experience with. Interestingly, it was not our autistic daughter who had it worst but our second daughter.

Our approach was a gradual weaning process. When a new situation came along we would introduce her by visiting the place before the event. We would talk about what would happen there and spend time exploring together. Then, if possible, we would stay with her for a short period while she got accustomed to the people there before we left. Keep separations short, at first. Slowly extend the time apart.

For our daughter, having a friend or cousin with her who was more confident allowed her to be less anxious about being away from her parents.

Much social anxiety stems from a fear of criticism. If your son's behavior sets him up for this, he has learned to expect to be told to change when he is away from home.

I have to say that keeping him sheltered from all such events is not in his best interest. He has to find a way to face the world. He is who he is and the world is what it is. Go to the playground, go to the store, go to the library. Directly teach the behaviors appropriate to each place. Spectrum kids don't generalize so he needs to have a collection of learning experiences to draw upon.

When he runs back to you after a social exchange that upsets him, don't make a big deal of it. Give him a hug and tell him he's all right. Then, let go and gently send him back. We can unintentionally reinforce fearful behavior by working to hard to provide comfort.

Teach him as much self-reliance as possible. He will be more confident if he knows how to take care of his own needs without asking Mom. Teach him how to ask for help from other adults. He may not realize they are a resource.

Best wishes,
Catherine