Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 8/21/2008

Question
Dear Catherine,

My wife and I have been separated for eight months with no chance for
reconciliation. We have an eight year old son with a recent diagnosis of
Asperger's and a three year old son. My boys were coming over to my house
for visitation for two months without issue. We had great fun.

One evening my wife came over to my house and I was gone. She screamed
at me on the phone in front of them because I was gone. I wasn't supposed
to be there. Since that event Cody, my oldest, has said that he doesn't want to
go to my house. His Psychiatrist has said that it would be best if we
attempted to recreate the life that felt was normal so I've been visiting the
kids at there house with my wife present.

The problem is that my wife continues to have outbursts in front of them. She
drove at me with her car like she was going to run me over with the kids in
the car. She dented my car with a rock in front of them and continually
screams at me in front of them. She recently had Cody yelling at me to, "Give
Mom more money." I'm paying 2K a month extra, voluntarily. I also said that
she was not allowed to keep me from leaving the house and that it's illegal.
She told my son, "Do you hear that Cody he's going to call the Sheriff again."
She was detained after denting my car which was very scary for Cody.

This is clearly not a healthy situation but if I physically take him with me
against his will for visitation that will be traumatizing as well. He did recently
say that he made up that my roommates were evil but is very hesitant to
leave the house with me.

My situation isn't improving and I'm weighing the damage leaving him in this
situation versus the damage taking him with me for my 20% visitation. His
Doctor said not to do it but she doesn't know that Cody said that he made up
that my roommates are evil.

I love my boys and will do anything to protect them but I can't do anything to
change her behavior. She yells at me in front of him so much so that he joins
in at least once a week.

I really need some ideas. Thank you so much for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Brian

Answer
Hi Brian,

Wow, this is really complicated! No parent should yell or fight in front of a child, period. I can't say I've never done it, but I know I should not have. It upsets all kids, autistic or not.

I assume that if you were gone there was some adult with the boys? I hope so as I would never leave an eight year old in charge of a three year old.

I cannot advise you to go against his doctor. But, I do advise you to consult your lawyer and to be upfront with the doctor concerning your son's falsehoods. A.S. kids do make stuff up (just like normal kids). Most children will conform to the expectations of the adult who has the most power in their life. For good or ill, that is their mother.

Listen to your heart. Help your children to feel safe. If that means your first venture out of their mother's home is a quick trip out for ice cream, start there. Work up to a comfortable level of visitation.

Encourage your wife to consider some counseling. Even broken families can do family therapy. Ask your son's doctor for a referral. Whether she knows it or not, driving you totally out of your sons' life is not in anyone's best interest. As they get older, the boys will need a Dad more than ever.

Best wishes,
Catherine