Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 8/19/2008

Question
We have an adult son who graduated college at the age of 29. He's very bright, but getting through college was a struggle. He would go awhile, disagree with "whatever" and quit going to classes, then fail. He finally decided, on his own, that he needed a degree - got loans and worked at being a waiter and going to college. He did graduate 2 years ago but cannot get a job toward a career! He is and has been a waiter for 10 years. He has no experience in the "Finance world." He is becoming so depressed and more withdrawn. This would be hard anyone, but seems so much worse for him. Our son did not struggle through college to be a waiter.  He is very quiet and I'm sure he doesn't make a good impression in an interview. He obtained a degree in Finance.

Our son was diagnosed after high school, but had been to counseling, off and on, for years.

He lives in the Houston, Tx. area and lives with his sister. That is another issue - she recently married and does not need her older brother living with her and her new husband. Our son has lived with roommates in college and can easily do that again. But again, the social "thing." He really does not have close enough friends that he could share an apartment/home. We live in another state - and he will not move here with us. However, if a possibility of a job/career in this area were made available to him, I think we could get him up here (Arkansas). I'm sure his chances are better in the Houston area. He drives just fine, and is independent with "quirks." To many, he just seems smart and eccentric. He works very hard and is a great employee. They loved it when he bar tended as he could remember all the drink orders perfectly and work extremely quickly.

This has been the hardest time in his life....we made it through adolescence and childhood easier then now.  
Any suggestions as to how to help our son move forward?  He would even be willing to work for free, limited part-time (so he could still earn a living) to gain experience toward a career path. He has gone to temporary agencies, but again, he just will not “talk.” He seems and looks so UNemotional. He is a very hard “read” for people. We just need guidance as to how we can help him….or rather how he can help himself. He has shown recently, that he will take our advice. He will not let us help him financially, which is limiting him.
FYI...he does not talk about his syndrome...although he knows he has it. It tries to fit in and be “normal” as possible. In fact, he talks less and less….which I believe to be depression. He just knew he would have the perfect job upon college completion.  He gets a thought in his head and it is extremely hard to change. He was a challenge to raise! But because he was so smart, many things were overlooked or revered. His memory as a child was unbelievable!

Thank you for being a “sound board.”  Thank you for any suggestions.
Suzi


Answer
Hi Suzi,

We are likely to face similar issues as the years go by. Our daughter, however, majored in music rather than an area like your son. She will probably get away with being quirky and temperamental. There are many undiagnosed "auties" in the music and art world.

First, I advise that your son needs to move out of his sister's home. This is not going to work, long term. It is wonderful that she has helped him, thus far, but now she needs to move on with married life. I would discourage my other children from living with our A.S. daughter even if they thought they could make it work.

Depending on his income, he may qualify for subsidized housing based on his disability. He's going to have to use it to his advantage when he can. Discrimination is covered under the American's with Disabilities Act and it includes Autistic Spectrum disorders.

Has your son considered the kind of "back room" work that is done in accounts payable or tax preparation? He needs to be applying for jobs that do not require direct public contact. Much of bookkeeping is done without much interaction except with the supervisor. He would have to take very entry level work to show his abilities. He sounds totally "non-disruptive" so I don't think he would have a problem with co-workers. He also needs to be upfront about his condition. Explaining to an interviewer that you don't read faces or send emotional signals because you have A.S. can help them focus on his abilities rather than trying to read a "blank slate."

If his former employers are willing to write a letter saying that his A.S. has not presented problems, so much the better. Working as wait staff is a very interactive job. If his customers are happy, I don't see why an employer would not be.

If you can find a small employer, in your area, who is willing to give him a shot, go for it. The one thing that concerns me is that if he quit college over "disagreements about whatever" would he also quit a job in the same way?

There is a book:
  “Developing Talents: Careers for Individuals with Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism” by Temple Grandin, Kate Duffy, and Tony Attwood, which may be helpful.

You might also check out "Ask and Tell", edited by Stephen Shore which deals with when and how to reveal a diagnosis in the work world.


Best wishes,
Catherine