Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 8/5/2008

Question
Hello Sharon. My wife and I are in the process of getting divorced. Currently, we are both being extremeley civil, as we want to make this transition as easy as possible for our son. I will be moving out of state in a few months, but for the time being, i will be moving into an apartment about 5 minutes from the house. I plan on seeing my son almost everyday while I'm still in state, and when I do move, I'd like to see him at least 1 weekend a month, and perhaps more on holidays, summers, breaks, etc. My wife has said she wants me to see him as often as possible, so right now, that is not a concern for me. My question is basically how do we transition our son from seeing me everyday, to seeing me less frequently (when i'm in the apartment) to seeing me much less frequently when I move out of state? I'm hoping he adjusts well, and I think he will, but any suggestions to help him would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Jeff

Answer
It sounds like helping your son handle the divorce is your first priority and that both you and your wife have the child's best interests in mind. Your continued presence in his life is important.

Change can be hard on any child but especially kids with autism or Asperger's who cling to routines and resist change. A marital break-up is a major change. But kids, even kids with autism spectrum disorders are adaptable and will get used to new situations.

It's convenient that your physical separation will be gradual as you move 5 minutes away then later, out of state. In the meantime, both of you can help your son get used to a new routine - a routine where he lives with his mom and has great visits with his dad.

Most people with autism & Asperger's, even highly verbal people, take in information that they see better than when they listen. Although you definitely need to talk to your boy about the separation and reassure him of your love and continued presence in his life, you can do much of this explaining with visuals.

Put on the fridge a schedule of when he will see you. For the day of your visit, have a visual outline of what you plan to do. This could be done in pictures (line drawings or photos) or in words, if he reads. For instance, your schedule could say:

9:00 - dad arrives
9:05 - show dad new toys
9:30 - get dressed to go to the park with dad and mom
10:00 - mom leaves to go shopping
11:00 - dad and ____ go for pizza

Some or part of your visits could include both you and your wife then gradually they could involve just you and your son.

You'll find some information on how to use visual schedules (and free pictures) at www.do2learn.com

Another way to help explain things to a five year old is through social stories. A social story lets him know what's going to happen, what's expected of him, etc. You could start a binder of social stories to go over with your son. And, start a scrapbook of the fun things you do together - the three of you and just the two of you.

Here's some information on social stories:

http://www.polyxo.com/socialstories/

http://www.autisminspiration.com/public/306.cfm

http://autism.healingthresholds.com/therapy/social-stories#rowe

http://www.autisminspiration.com/public/department47.cfm

This is a scary time for any child. And the uncertainty and anger he feels will make him more afraid. Talking with a knowledgeable counselor as well as seeing his parents remain calm, loving and unmoved by his possible behaviors will help get used to new routines and to the new reality of his family.

Best of luck,

Sharon A. Mitchell, B.A., B.Ed., M.A.
www.autismsite.ca