Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 1/10/2009

Question
Hi, Catherine. Our son is 15 years old (16 in March in 10th grade in high honors classes (all). We thought he had adhd his whole life, and this past August he was diagnosed with pdd nos. Had a 504 meeting and school is in their evaluation stage. Had a conversation with the psychologist doing eval and she said she thinks his social skills are good because her secretary has had several conversations with him and he's very well spoken and respectful. She said his teachers also said he communicates well. That's not the issue! He cannot make friends, keep friends, read people's facial expressions and react accordingly, etc. He also cannot transition. If there's something he doesn't want to do or think it's not fair, he will risk losing all privledges or any consequence because he cannot transition. In the past 5 weeks, his grades have gone from all 90's to 60 - 83. He doesn't want to go to school (first time in his life) because he now realizes how different he is and just wants to fit in. The same phycologist also told me that Michael will be fine. She said she thought that once he's out of high school, he will go to college and get a desk job some place. He will be ok, she said. For her to make that analysis and summary of Michael's future is obsurd. For her to say his social skills are good is obsurd. He's been able to fly under the radar his whole life because he's so intelligent and has adapted to get by. He has not one friend, and is so depressed right now that he even said he doesn't want to live. We take him to his doctor again today, and to a counseler on Monday. We're doing whatever we can outside of school by creating opportunities for him to socialize, but we want the school to help too. What specific training should we ask for? Also, should I send a letter to the phycologist that said the above comments now, before she finishes her write up, while copying others on the committee explaining why I think his social skills are severe? I explained over the phone, but I don't think she is going to change her evaluation. Are there specific things that the school could do to help Michael with transitioning? (By the way, we requested a 504 plan for Michael early last year based on adhd (before we got 2 additional diagnosis of pdd nos) and he was turned down by the same committee).

Thank you in advance for any ideas you have to help us with our son. He has so much potential, and he's such a loving, sensitive person. He just wants to fit in, and it's tearing him apart that he doesn't. He wants a girlfriend, but has no clue what to do. Thank you.

Mary

Answer
Hi Mary,

Yes, you should write a letter listing your disagreement and reasons and be sure it is forwarded to the committee. Note the fall in his grades and his depression. His ability to communicate with adults is not any indication of his social skills with his peers. Formal language and "politeness" are scripts that he can manage. Free-form socialization is a whole different challenge.

Tell his doctor about the school's refusal to consider a 504 plan for him despite his diagnosis. Really, PPD/NOS qualifies for a full blown IEP, especially in light of his falling grades.

Our daughter flew under the radar too, until the same age. However, her grades had never been stellar despite her genius IQ. It took identifying the Asperger's syndrome to get the school on board. Sadly, they were inept, at best. Her grades never improved but she had the latitude to be "different" without being tagged "lazy". Regardless of the grades, she learned the material and that's all that mattered to us.

The kind of social training possible for a teenager is limited to what he is willing to accept. My guess is that he will not be very interested in social skills training as it seldom feels "mature" enough for a kid his age. That is one of the main reasons for diagnosing kids at an early age, they are much more open to social training.

It may be true your son will do well in college. However, this does not equate to success in the business world, even with a "desk job." I recently had a letter from a 45 year old man who was angry at people for telling him college was the "answer" for people like him. He has 3 degrees and has never been able to keep a job.

What your son WILL find at college, however, is more students like himself. Particularly if he's into math, science or computers, music or drama, college is a haven for the high-functioning autistic spectrum set. And, in our daughter's experience, friendships can be formed among this group. They don't always look like the friendships you and I are familiar with, but they definitely provide socialization and support. He may learn much about social skills in this way.

Also, going to college allows more time for emotional maturity to develop. The best thing we did for our daughter was move her to a college near enough for us to be supportive, but far enough she was not living at home. She had to "sink or swim." She learned ways to get herself to class on time, do her assignments on time, buy food, wash clothes, etc. No one was looking over her shoulder any more. So, she could not blame anyone else for things not going right. Also, she had the opportunity to prove the high school people wrong who said she'd end up working in a fast food restaurant the rest of her life.

Stay on top of your son's depression. If his doctor thinks medication is called for, try it! It probably saved our daughter's life. No one can do well in school if they are clinically depressed.

Also, please read the book: “Developing Talents: Careers for Individuals with Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism” by Temple Grandin, Kate Duffy, and Tony Attwood

Hang in there and keep fighting for your son. You are his best advocate.

Best wishes,
Catherine