Expert: Paul Johnson - 1/28/2009

Question
Hi Mr. Johnson,

Thank you for providing this service. I am 43 years old, mother of one daughter, married to my second husband, together for 7 years, own my own home, graduated college with honors, worked in mental health, 7 years, taught 5th grade 14 years, tried my hand at my own business, 1 year, and am now unemployed.

All the people who love my daughter thought there was a definite possibility of her having Asperger's Syndrome. After testing this was not conclusive, and she was found to have an anxiety disorder. During this testing period, I read, did research, and tried to educate myself on autism. The more I read, the more I realized that my mother was probably afflicted with this, and that although my daughter shows many signs of Asperger's, it is I that may have this syndrome. I'll try to get my question to you without rambling on.


I personally have seen many mental health experts for help for what I thought was depression over the past 25 years. No one has helped. At one point I took paxil. It helped to relieve the nervous stomach pain I've had ever since I can remember, but it did not stop the so-called depression. I've recently been diagnosed with adult ADD, which is what I thought I may have had. I may also be suffering as an adult child of an alcoholic, exhibiting many of the behaviors of people who grew up with alcoholic parents have, my mom was an abusive alcoholic, no love to give, but plenty of criticism and blame thrown my way.

My doctor said that I procrastinate with everything, because "I don't want to follow rules", and I can't take criticism, feeling a personal attack against me.


The thing is, although this is all true, I have experienced so many other feelings, ones which I have expressed, and I've always felt stupid after sharing. I felt the responses of the experts were that of, "I have no idea what you are talking about", or "that's your problem? What's the big deal?" I've always felt so wounded on the inside, but could not prove this to anyone, because all outward appearances seemed fine.

I felt like a social misfit, everywhere I went I had trouble connecting to people, trouble forming a bond.


I was extremely judgmental, and would just cringe by other's ignorance or behaviors. I would classify most people as either ignorant or mean.


I have zero tolerance to pain, it hurts me if someone just taps on a part of my body.



I have this disconnect with all things, because in my grand scheme of things, I don't see the importance of details. I have trouble seeing the big picture, or final results, thus having difficulty understanding consequences. I have trouble understanding the importance of things or following other people's rules, including policies, regulations, organization, and many educational practices, that I personally believe to be a disservice to our children.

   I do however, find it extremely important to follow "the rules" that I deem important. For example, as a teacher, all of my lessons were extremely important and I found it very important for the students to pay close attention to all detail, including illustrations, placement of their work on the paper, type of paper, color, neatness, spacing (with written work) and perfection of all projects. Mind you, I also understood that each child was different and could not expect the same from all, but I let it well known that each child had a responsibility to really care about their work. As long as the ideas were my own, I could be the most passionate about the most mundane things. This made for a lively classroom and children feeling like what they have to contribute to the classroom has value.

I have what I know now to be an over sensitivity to noise. Tapping or clicking is intolerable to me.


I have problems following people's conversational stories and often think to myself, "this person has a problem telling stories, they make no sense."

I always think I'm right.

I often think my ideas and/or insights are brilliant. I have a need to share these ideas with people and part of me expects them to say, "Gosh, are you smart, how do you do it?" "You're like the smartest person I know". I am often disappointed when they have completely different opinions about the topic at hand. I feel like I'm preaching all the time.


I often felt that there was something wrong with me when people didn't want to be my friend, wondering why, because I thought I was the best person to be around, having such "great" things to talk about.

When I am in a social setting, and I am socializing, it feels like a movie to me, that I am acting, and that the "real me" is sitting back watching this movie that I am in. The "real me" is very pleased at my acting abilities and is often in awe of the things I come up with. The real me can also be extremely harsh and judgmental of how I may have behaved. Basically, it's a feeling of being outside myself.

As a child and young adult I would think any adult who asked anything personal of me, was "my best friend", and I would divulge everything to them, soon to be disappointed as no relationship would develop, and once again I was a "nobody". And then wondering, "what the heck is their problem?"

Trying to develop relationships now is a lot like exercise for me. It's not anything I want to do, but when I force myself, it feels good during and afterward. But each time I have to convince myself to "get out there", and often I don't, just too exhausting.

I have been struggling with money issues forever.


Oh no, I see that I am rambling. I feel like I could write a book. I'm sorry. I can live my life happily with acceptance. Is there something I should be doing to better myself, or can I just accept the fact that I enjoy living in my own little protective world with my husband and daughter? Am I wasting my life by not getting out there and experiencing it and will I look back with so much regret, or can I be happy accepting my limitations? Is there something I should be doing to try to "break this thing"?

I want so desperately to feel "normal" in my own abnormalities. I have a wonderful connection with my daughter and my husband. He "gets" me, and loves me very much. My daughter tells me that I am the best mom and loves having me home. I am no longer judgmental of others, and understand that what makes people special is their uniqueness. My dreams, fantasies, goals are of success and how I can use this success to help others. The most rewarding thing to me, what would make my life purposeful, would be to help all those people on "my list".



I have an invention I have been working on, that in my mind's eye will be very successful. I am a firm believer in "the secret", visualize, dream it, think it, believe it, and it will happen. Is this true for me, or has this ideology that I have just been the "Asperger's talking". Or does it matter? Can you help me to separate the two so I may feel better connected to "reality" and not continue setting myself up for failure as I do over and over again.

I'm so sorry about the long entry. I'll end here. Thank you for your time. Cindy"  

Answer
He4y Cindy,

Thanks for your question. I appreciate your seeking knowledge about your self but I honestly do not know what you are asking. I do not wish to be mean but You must have ten different themes and directions in your question. Bear in mind that I have Asperger's Syndrome and I am a literal thinker. So I do not exactly know what it is you would like me to assist you with. There are many excellent things in your question like thinking like the secret I have strong opinions about but I need you to make concise your question and re submit it please.