Expert: Trey McGowan - 1/28/2009

Question
Hi Trey,
Thank you for providing this service. I am 43 years old, mother of one daughter, married to my second husband, together for 7 years, own my own home, graduated college with honors, worked in mental health, 7 years, taught 5th grade 14 years, tried my hand at my own business, 1 year, and am now unemployed.

All the people who love my daughter thought there was a definite possibility of her having Asperger's Syndrome. After testing this was not conclusive, and she was found to have an anxiety disorder. During this testing period, I read, did research, and tried to educate myself on autism. The more I read, the more I realized that my mother was probably afflicted with this, and that although my daughter shows many signs of Asperger's, it is I that may have this syndrome. I'll try to get my question to you without rambling on.

I personally have seen many mantle health experts for help for what I thought was depression over the past 25 years. No one has helped. At one point I took paxil. It helped to relieve the nervous stomach pain I've had ever since I can remember, but it did not stop the so-called depression. I've recently been diagnosed with adult ADD, which is what I thought I may have had. I may also be suffering as an adult child of an alcoholic, exhibiting many of the behaviors of people who grew up with alcoholic parents have, my mom was an abusive alcoholic, no love to give, but plenty of criticism and blame thrown my way.

My doctor said that I procrastinate with everything, because "I don't want to follow rules", and I can't take critics, feeling a personal attack against me.

The thing is, although this is all true, I have experienced so many other feelings, ones which I have expressed, and I've always felt stupid after sharing. I felt the responses of the experts were that of, "I have no idea what you are talking about", or "that's your problem? What's the big deal?" I've always felt so wounded on the inside, but could not prove this to anyone, because all outward appearances seemed fine.

I felt like a social misfit, everywhere I went I had trouble connecting to people, trouble forming a bond.

I was extremely judgmental, and would just cringe by other's ignorance or behaviors.

I have zero tolerance to pain, it hurts me if someone just taps on a part of my body.


I have this disconnect with all things, because in my grand scheme of things, I don't see the importance of details. I have trouble understanding the importance of things.

I have problems following people's conversational stories and often think to myself, "this person has a problem telling stories, they make no sense."

I always think I'm right.

I often felt that there was something wrong with me when people didn't want to be my friend, wondering why, because I thought I was the best person to be around.

When I am in a social setting, and I am socializing, it feels like a movie to me, that I am acting, and that the "real me" is sitting back watching this movie that I am in. The "real me" is very pleased at my acting abilities and is often in awe of the things I come up with. The real me can also be extremely harsh and judgmental of how I may have behaved. Basically, it's a feeling of being outside myself.

As a child and young adult I would think any adult who asked anything personal of me, was "my best friend", and I would divulge everything to them, soon to be disappointed as no relationship would develop, and once again I was a "nobody". And then wondering, "what the heck is their problem?"

Trying to develop relationships now is a lot like exercise for me. It's not anything I want to do, but when I force myself, it feels good during and afterward. But each time I have to convince myself to "get out there", and often I don't, just too exhausting.

Oh no, I see that I am rambling. I feel like I could write a book. I'm sorry. I can live my life happily with acceptance. Is there something I should be doing to better myself, or can I just accept the fact that I enjoy living in my own little protective world with my husband and daughter? Am I wasting my life by not getting out there and experiencing it and will I look back with so much regret, or can I be happy accepting my limitations? Is there something I should be doing to try to "break this thing"? I want so desperately to feel "normal" in my own abnormalities. I have a wonderful connection with my daughter and my husband. He "gets" me, and loves me very much. My daughter tells me that I am the best mom and loves having me home. I'm so sorry about the long entry. I'll end here. Thank you for your time. Cindy

Answer
Hi there, Cindy!

It took me quite a while to answer this question, and for that I'm sorry. Two main reasons for that. One is that my life is, indeed, busy at times and I end up a bit behind. But more importantly, the second is that I had to do a lot of thinking over the answer. This isn't something that can just be thrown into a web browser and researched, unfortunately.

In the end, the answer really comes from only one person: your own self. A person's happiness can't be answered by the rest of the world. Everyone finds happiness in their own way, for better or for worse, so being able to answer 'Can I find happiness in this?' is impossible for me to judge. Particularly from only getting one letter filled with symptoms.

You say that you can live happily with acceptance, yet it seems obvious from the letter you write that, perhaps, 'acceptance' is something that you're fighting with tooth and nail. Not acceptance from your family, as they seem to be a very good, supportive pair, but from the most important person in the world: your own self. For that, I think the best thing that you can do is to seek out a professional psychologist or therapist who can help with finding that self-acceptance. Or, as the case may be, with deciding what it is that you can absolutely *not* accept about yourself, and work to better it, change it, or at the very least come to terms with it so you *can* accept it in yourself.

I wish I could give you more solid information or answers on this, but really it's difficult to be sure. Some people will indeed look back with regret. Others will be fine and comfortable where they are, and don't need to look beyond for happiness. And neither of these things is wrong. A lot of people will try and tell you that you have to go out, seize the day, make a huge 'something' of yourself.... but in the end, there are simply some people who are happier being the one to watch the world go by, rather than be the ones to push it. So long as you, yourself, are happy in yourself, then as long as you bring no harm to others, I say that you may very well have the best thing that anyone can ask for.

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Follow-ups? By all means!

Trey