Expert: Valerie Herskowitz - 10/11/2009

Question
My wife and I are struggling extremely with trying to find help on how to discipline and cope with her 4 year old son.  He is my step son and we see him every other weekend. We tried getting him help one time and the father called the cops the very next morning and said we were kidnapping him. He is not potty trained and seems to never attempt to learn.  We try working with him on that everytime he is with us.  His father says he is perfectly potty trained but its obvious he's not.  He can't talk at all hardly..  The few words he can say he can't say clear.  He doesn't know how to play with toys like for example, cars.  He will just hold it, bang it and then throw it.  Sometimes he will roll it on the ground.  He can't feed him-self at all, we have to feed him his dinner IF he will even eat.  When he has food in his mouth he will come up to you and spit the food all over you and if its not food in his mouth its his drink. when he throws a temper tantrum it is like you are in a horror movie.  He screams at the top of his lungs, kicks,  hits, bites, throws random objects in the house. He does it a lot when he can't get his way.  That's when he goes "crazy".  For example if he can't go outside, he will throw him-self on the floor, hurting him-self, and scream for God knows how long.

when he's with us it seems like he makes a "bond" with a certain object for the weekend.  If one of us takes it away from him or if he drops it on the ground he will cry and scream until he gets it back. And he WILL NOT let go of whatever it is until we take him back to his father. He also tries to hold so many toys and blankets he can't hold anymore.  When the objects start falling out of his hands he throw a violent tantrum.


Sometimes it almost seems like he is deaf.  Like he only hears what he wants to hear.  We have to snap our fingers or clap our hands or raise our voice to get his attention.  And sometimes, when we do get his attention, he will stare at us like we aren't saying anything.  

We would love a diagnosis.  Most of all advice on how handle these situations because at times we feel like we are going to blow up because it is extremely stressful.  The father gives no help at all, he says "my boy is fine and you aint puttin' him on no drugs."  

Thank you for reading this!

Answer
Hi Jeff
You are right to be calling out for help. There are several "red flags" that indicate a possible developmental disability:
1. speech and language delay
2. banging toys
3. hitting and bitting
4. screaming for long periods of time
5. bonding with toys
6. "deaf" like behavior

I don't know who has custody or if it is shared, but you and your wife need to take him into the public schools. They will evaluate him and determine what his diagnosis is and place him in the appropriate educational setting.

Let me know if you need anything else.