Expert: Jene Aviram - 10/21/2009

Question
Could my 13-yr-old stepdaughter possibly have aspergers?

I met the girl 3 years ago when she was 10 and her parents were in the process of divorce.  At 10, she would not make eye contact, talked non-stop about horses and related data, and would have meltdowns in public.  I knew something was different about her.  For the past few years, she and I have spent more time together and actually get along very well.  She lives w/ her mom - so I don't see her often, but every time she visits, she has an obsession w/ something (horses, religion, animal cruelty, etc.).  She will talk incessantly to the point where she'll raise her voice if necessary, turn red in the face, start to cry ... if her information is not agreed with.  This happens at home and in public places.  I've also noticed that she has a very difficult time following directions and getting things accomplished UNLESS I write them down.   Her newest obsession is being a born-again baptist and she is now at the point where everything is either blasphemous or lude.  We can't watch normal television or listen to the radio. I've suggested (after reading many articles and books) that she could very well have Aspergers ... she does well in school -- has very few, if any friends, and had little to no desire to socialize.  She doesn't want her hair cut, has poor hygiene and will only wear simple, solid-colored clothing (unusual at 13). Her father finally realizes something is definitely wrong, but her mother (also born-again) and spends 24/7 w/ daughter as custodial parent - thinks the daughter is fine.  I have spent many years working w/ kids in sports, sunday school, in my neighborhood, and through the court system and realize she has special needs.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Thank you, Jene.

Liz

Answer
Hi Liz,

While one cannot diagnose over the Internet, it sounds like this young lady is practically "text book Aspergers."  How remarkable of her that she's done so well without any support!  She must be quite something!  

You don't specify what your relationship is to the family, so it's a little hard to put this all in perspective.  However, I do sense that you're not a very good friend of the Mom.  If this is the case, she should probably be enlightened about Asperger's through someone else.

It doesn't matter how old kids get, nobody wants to hear there is something wrong with their child, so this has to be broached really carefully.  And it's only worth doing if steps will be taken to get the 13 year old some support and services.  Otherwise she will just end up with a "label."  

It's very hard to stand back when we feel that a parent is not taking the correct steps for a child, but unfortunately, unless it's a risk to a child's life, there is very little we can do about it.  Do you know anyone that is close to the Mom?  If so I would try and get them to show her an article they've read.  They could delicately mention that it reminded them so much of her daughter because she too is so smart and well versed.
They could also mention that they heard she is entitled to all kinds of support.  Funnily enough, most people who are diagnosed with Asperger's are quite relieved.  This gives them validation that there is nothing "wrong" with them and that many people feel just like they do.

Here are a link that describes Asperger's Syndrom.  Perhaps the Mom could read it.  http://www.grasp.org/lrn_def.htm

Something else that might be of interest to you is reading some of the interviews by people who have Asperger's Syndrome.
You can find that here:
http://www.nlconcepts.com/autism-interviews.htm

You can see a video interview of a 10 year old with Aspergers here:
http://www.nlconcepts.com/autism-deansays.htm

Liz, it's very clear that you care greatly for this girl and you just want to see her helped.  It may be frustrating that people are not helping her in the way you would like, but I want you to know that you are providing the best thing you ever could - and that is love, friendship and acceptance.  This often doesn't come easy to people with Aspergers.  She might not be able to express how much it means to her, but I can promise you that it means volumes!  

I wish you luck and success and I hope this has been of some help.

Jene Aviram
http://www.nlconcepts.com