Expert: Trey McGowan - 11/9/2009

Question
Hi,
   My only son is going to be 4 in February. He is a very loving, happy and confidant child. a week ago i took him to a speech therapist because of very delayed speech. Everyone kept saying to me that he is merely a late talker he will start talking eventually. His vocabulary did grow over time but that development is very slow and i see him communicating at the level of a 1 and half year old child. Might i add here that i am not a talkative person, he used to be alone with me at home half the day.my husband is addicted to tv and besides playing with his son for 10 minutes after returning from work, he pretty much ignores him.until he started going to school 2 months ago, my son has not had any friends from his own age group, neither did we have any kids living in the neighbourhood. For example, on one of the bad days, i noted that we spoke with our son and payed him attention for only ten minutes in the whole day before i put him to bed to sleep. While we watched movies he played on his own. Now he has 2 friends of his own age, 2 close friends who are of 2-2 and half years of age because i am friends with their mothers and we have started visiting them often. Before he started school, he was very confidant, loved going to parties, to the park, and although he couldn’t understand half of what the kids were saying , he would still run with them and try to get included in their group. I know for a fact that he is being bullied in school, i saw it once with my own eyes. his class teacher is unable to supervise and pay attention to kids properly because she has 35 children under her care. Since 1 month into school, he has become afraid of strangers, is not comfortable in large crowds of strangers and is afraid of kids he doesn’t know.  I also think that his eye contact has suffered since he started having trouble at school. Can bullying have that much effect? I fear that issues like isolation, lack of attention at home, too much tv, no effort to prompt by parents, and the fact that we speak one language with each other and talk to him in another have contributed at impeding his language development.
     My greatest concern is his slow speech development. I want to be clear that his speech has not regressed, it is continuously developing but very slowly. The greatest boost in his communication capabilities was seen when he started school. Now he understands both languages, the one at home the other in school, communicates when he wants something by a combination of crying, saying the name of what he wants.
              The therapist and psychologist who work in this field have said that he cannot even be called mildly autistic, however if we don’t start working hard on his speech and some mild behaviours like not communicating well, he can be diagnosed as such some time in the future.
      I am so scared for my son; i love him and will always feel guilty for my part in bringing him to this point and want to do everything possible to enhance his language skills. He has started cooperating on the communication exercises we are putting him thru, started 3 days ago. Now he doesn’t just cry and say the name of the thing he wants, but also says “give me” as he is being taught to as a first step. I sense that he wants to say things fluently and babbles long sentences, but doesn’t know what words to use. Please, i need guidance and help.
                                                                                                             Worried mother.  

Answer
Hi there, Erum!

To be quite honest, I'm not sure what you're asking of me. Your child is obviously getting all the help he can with his speech development, since you have stated that you are dealing with a speech therapist (have dealt?). While I understand the worry that delayed speech can cause, it's no cause for panic on your part. Time, patience, and training will help with this issue. As you've stated yourself, he's obviously learning.

Now there's the issue of the bullying. Yes, bullying *can* have an extremely profound effect on children. Remember that bullying isn't simply 'light teasing'. It it abuse, plain and simple. Physical, mental, emotional, potentially sexual. All these things get lumped together under 'bullying'. Once you take that into mind, you can imagine exactly what sort of effect this can have on a child, in particularly one who is delayed.

Rather than focusing blame on yourselves and one another, I suggest that you take a look at what is *definitely* an issue and start eliminating it before you try and make *everything* an issue. The more that you kick yourself, the less actual work is being done. Blame does nothing in the long run except shuffle reasons around, without actually doing anything about them. So deal with the speech issues, deal with the bullying, deal with spending time with your child, and stop looking for something to point fingers at. In the end, it will be better for your child and, more importantly, better for you. After all, a broken home is a large contribution toward childhood stresses, and imagine how it will look for your child if you and your husband are spending time blaming yourselves and one another rather than simply working with the big picture: his issues.

Hopefully that will help out a little bit. Remember: I am not an expert. I am only an AllExpert, and there is a large difference. The better person for you to bring issues like this up with are psychologists and therapists.

Questions, comments, feedback, follow-ups, are of course welcome!

Trey