Expert: Jene Aviram - 12/19/2009

Question
Hello! I have two lovely little boys, both on the autism spectrum. My younger boy is 6, in 1st grade, and has Asperger's. He also is very highly gifted (capable of 5th and 6th grade work). One day, he told me that he is having a hard time finding friends who like to talk about the same things he does, and yesterday, he told me that he wants to be like the other kids (at school). We've always stressed that every person is different, and how wonderful it is to be unique. We've read a lot about acceptance and individuality: N. Carlson's, I Like Me; Todd Parr's, It's OK to be Different; etc.... I'm hoping you might be able to either offer some other suggestions, or point me in the direction of some books that might be helpful. I'm not ready yet to tell him he has Asperger's, but would like to continue proactively stressing that uniqueness is good and necessary. Thanks, Michelle

Answer
Hi Michelle,

Goodness me.  You certainly have a lot on your plate and what a great attitude!  I take my hat off to you.

It's wonderful that you're working on your child's confidence and self esteem.  There are a few more books about being unique such as "Special People, special ways" etc.  But I don't think it's worth getting any of them.  They're not much different from the one's you have.

I understand that you're not ready to tell your son about his diagnosis, but it's certainly something to consider.  Stephen Shore is an acclaimed author with Asperger's.  He and many others firmly believe you should tell your child about his diagnosis as soon as possible.  He says it validates the way a child feels about themselves, improves self esteem and there's nothing worse than finding out from someone else.  He also says many kids grow up and wonder why their parents didn't tell them earlier.  Because of this, they wonder if the diagnosis is something to be ashamed of.  I'm certainly not saying you should do one thing or the other.  It's a totally personal decision and only you know what's right for your family.  (By the way, if you'd like to know a bit more about Stephen Shore, you can read an interview with him at this link http://www.nlconcepts.com/autism-shore.htm)

At some point a bit further down the line when your son knows that he has Aspergers, it often helps to point out role models to your son of people that have autism or Aspergers.  For example, it’s said that Steven Spielberg has Aspergers, and many people speculate that Bill Gates does too, along with Glenn Gould, and not to mention that a lot of people think Einstein was also on the spectrum.  Let you son know how unique all these people are.  And how smart - just like him.  Keep assuring him that he too is going to do something great and that even now, others find him irresistible.

There are always a few kids who are more intellectual and less sporty.  I wonder if it's possible for you to reach out to his teacher or the principal of the school.  There's bound to be a few like your son, who don't have a diagnosis but also don't fit the mold.  They're probably in need of friends too.  Perhaps you can get hold of their phone numbers and try and set up a play date?

Is there a gifted program in your school?  Or even resource room for those who are above their peers in class work?  This would also be a perfect setting for your son who will be intellectually challenged and have more in common with peers.

Another great way to build self esteem and encourage his unique abilities is to set up an accomplishment chart with all great things.  It doesn’t have to be huge stuff, but it can be things like:

4 years old - Learned to add numbers  
5 years old – Learned to swim
5 years old - Learned to read
6 years old – performed in school concert and everyone cheered
6 years old - Did homework independently for the first time
Etc.

This way he can visually see his accomplishments and feel good about himself.  You can also put a little picture next to each accomplishment.  Each time he does something else to be proud of, add it to his chart.  The emphasis will be placed on his strengths rather than his differences and it will really boost his confidence.  Think about it, if you had to visually see your accomplishments each day, you're also bound to feel pretty good about yourself too.

It's not easy being smarter than everyone else.  As your son grows and matures he is bound to find more people like him.  Let your son know that anyone who ever achieved anything great always stood apart from the crowd.

You are such a wonderful mom and it sounds like you are doing a phenomenal job!  I think you will love these two articles.  One of them is called "Forget the Diagnosis".  The other is called "Good days and Bad days."  You can download them at these links respectively.
http://www.nlconcepts.com/autism-theory.htm
http://www.nlconcepts.com/autism-cope.htm

I wish you and your family great happiness and success.
Have a wonderful holiday.

I hope this has been of some help.

Jene Aviram
http://www.nlconcepts.com