Expert: Paul Johnson - 12/20/2009

Question
My son is about to graduate from college as a high school math teacher. He has many social quirks that I'm concerned will affect his ability to succeed in his career. As a child he would line his books in rows, bang his head when mad, chew on his sleeves until they were soaked and tattered. He is awkward in his movements i.e:  using a ratchet wrench. He was very successful in sports and was well liked in school (which I partially attribute to being a star in sports and being with the same kids in a small town who just contributed his quirks to him being him) His voice is monotone. He has little or no empathy for others. He only worries about how the world affects him and not how he affects the world. Doesn't care about his grooming unless he knows it is required ie. job,event. When I talk to him about anything that he finds as disapproving he looks down and makes no eye contact nor interacts in the communication. He self criticizes himself but in so doing others think that he his mad at them (he would strike out in baseball and sit on the bench crying. His coach and others thought he was a bad sport but in truth he was frustrated at himself for not doing better,it takes him hours or days to open up as to what was wrong. I fear that if criticized by school administrators he will not be able to react appropriately and in so doing draw the ire of his employer. He makes facial expressions (trying to clear his ears) and has a few quirks that if unexplained will cause his pupils to ridicule him. He seems to walk with one hip higher then the others. If my guess at Aspergers is correct how do I open communication so as not to be offensive? Knowledge is power and I feel if he could understand what causes his differences he would be on a positive path to a more productive life. He he has quirks that are out of his control but easily explained to others they would be more accepting of his differences. Thanks for any insight you can offer on this!

Answer
Hey Rick,

Thank you for your interesting and thought provoking question.

First I would like to apologize for the delay in answering the question as the holiday demands has affected my ability to answer the question in a timely manner.

Your question involves how Aspies get along in a world when we do not understand our diagnosis. This is a profound question because most of the Aspies in the world do not understand nor know that they are on the spectrum nor what it means to be on the spectrum.

An individual needs to discover that they are on the Autism Spectrum of Disorders. This process is often a lengthy one. I was 46 when I was diagnoses but suspected a few years earlier and took over a  year for me to accept it, even though I was familiar with he diagnosis as a Psychotherapist.

I would invite you to use the approach I have adopted with my son. I tell him that people that think like us have struggles in this area or that area. and that we are misunderstood a lot.
You will not be able to engage with him in his struggles, as I did not read that you suspect that you are ASD also. However it is important to let him know that he is naturally inclined to act in ways that people will struggle to understand him and the importance of others especially teachers and employers to be able to familiarize themselves with his behaviors.

You are right; the biggest challenge of the ASD individual is to know thyself. When we know who we are we understand how we are going to be perceived and how to get our needs met while being influential in a world not designed for us. Your young man has to understand his diagnosis within the context of a world that will not care why he is different. They are still expecting compliance from him.

I sense that you have a loving and tight bond with him and that he views you as his bridge to the world that is largely not understandable or predictable to him, therefore it is important to gain his ear to inform him about who he is, so that he has an opportunity to be successful.

I would love a follow up to how this was received by your son.