Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 7/14/2009

Question
I need help.  My marriage is falling apart.  I have a 21 year old step son with asperger's.  He's been with me for 8 years.  It seems is anger towards me has escalated over the last couple of years, especially when I ask him to do something that disrupts what he is currently doing or ask him to redo a chore that was done haphazardly.  For instance, his job is to clean the basement living area.  I pointed out areas that need to be redone in a constructive way yet he immediately exploded at me with his typical "Fine" and "You don't appreciate anything I do for you".  He gets red in the face, the fists clench, he stomps and slams things and sometimes even comes at me like he's going to attack.  His father seems to think it's always my fault.  He's never here to witness the situation because my son doesn't escalate like this when his father's home.  Therefore his father feels I "attack him" when he's not here.  I therefore am always guilty and somehow have to prove my innocense when I ask for his father's assistance in helping to remedy the situation.  I just can't live like this anymore without my husband's support and he seems to believe the problem is mine and how I communicate with our son vs. accepting that I communicate as normal and our son escalates without provocation in his absence.  I need your advice or I fear my marriage is at an end.

Answer
Hi Leila,

I hear the pain in your situation. This is not uncommon in step-families whether there is a spectrum child, or not. (Important note, AS people are emotionally behind their age. He's acting 15 because, emotionally, he is.)

I think some couple/family counseling is in order. You and your husband need an impartial guide to work out some solutions. A skilled counselor can listen to both sides and facilitate communication.

My thoughts include the following: This young man is old enough to be learning to live on his own unless he is severely compromised. Has any thought been given to finding him a therapeutic living situation to transition him to life on his own? Does your husband plan to keep his son as a ward for life? These things must be discussed. There are many good group homes and often, they incorporate job training in their program.

Since this is not your biological son, and you say he does not escalate with his father, it would be appropriate for your husband to become the primary director of his activity. If you are not giving directions, you cannot be accused of "attacking". Simply hand over the reins for a while.

The problem with this method is, that if there is a constellation of Dad and son vs. Mom going, the argument will just shift to some other "failure." However, seeing that happen would give you some important information.

I encourage you to seek out a good counselor so that your family can get on with the next stage of life. Setting goals for this next phase is critical. Where do you and your husband want your marriage to be in five years? In ten?

Best wishes,
Catherine