Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 7/17/2009

Question
My son was diagnosed with asperger's after my divorce.  We had set up joint custody and split the week between the two houses.  My ex has not attended the appointments nor is supportive of his treatments.  He refuses to accept that AS impacts our son's ability to behave "like a normal 9 year old" and as a result my son constantly feels as if he cannot be himself with his dad.  My ex is now in a relationship and my son doesn't like the family he is being forced to integrate with.  When he returns to my home I am inundated with the litany of mistreatments he has been subjected to and how miserable he is at his dads.  My ex feels that my son should just learn to deal with life and accept the way things are at his house.  Since we divorced prior to the diagnosis I was wondering what the predominant views are regarding custody and parenting schedules for children with asperger's and if I should go back to the court to change the arrangement even if it means a long legal battle.

My son is a highly intelligent aspie with moderate social delays and educational struggles (IEP in place).  He is behind grade level in reading.  At 9 he is more in line behaviorally with a 6/7 year old.  He has anger issues and lashes out physically, but the ex refuses to pay for behavioral therapy.  I am financially unable to pay for it on my own so it keeps getting put off.  

If I went back to the courts would the diagnosis result in them forcing the ex to pay for these treatments that we didn't know were going to exist at the time we divorced?

Answer
HI Tylee,

First, I'm not a lawyer. Unfortunately, divorced parents are separated because they had basic disagreements about life. Getting cooperation, without legal help, may be impossible.

Still, I have some thoughts on this matter.

Your son is a person and no matter whether he was diagnosed before or after the divorce, he's the same son he always was. What I mean by that is that if his needs change, so should his custody agreement. If he were suddenly disabled, physically, adaptations would have to be made. Same here.

That he is emotionally immature is part of Asperger's, period. It is not your fault. He does not function like a "normal" 9 year old because he is NOT a normal 9 year old. Now, I don't like making excuses for bad behavior, but expecting "good" behavior at his level of function is fine. That is, he should behave his best at his function level, 6 or 7 years old. He will continue to get "older" emotionally as well as physically, he'll just be a few years behind.
Lashing out is his way of saying he's overwhelmed. Your husband and his new family need some training in helpful behavior management. He needs clear directions, "When you spill your milk, you must clean it up. Here's a towel." Not, "Stop being clumsy! Look what you did!" Punishment is not very effective with these kids. Logical consequences are.

It is critical that Dad understand that Aspie's can't generalize information. Just because he learns how to behave in one situation at school, does not mean he understands how to use that scenario at home. This is one reason that these kids take so long to become "socialized." They have to build a catalog of memorized responses. Throw in a new variable, and they have to learn a new coping strategy.

I think that getting all the therapy he needs is critical for your son. If he is on your husband's insurance, as he should be, then it should pay for it. If there is NO insurance, contact the school district and find out if there are programs for children in this situation. It is in the best interest of the school for him to have good behavior, as well. He should be in "occupational" therapy, already. This can have a strong behavioral component.

If you think you can get your husband to read more about Asperger's syndrome, do a web search for some good books. Buy a couple, read them and then pass them on. I also recommend checking out the parenting materials available for <www.loveandlogic.com>. They saved our family.

Best wishes,
Catherine