Expert: Trey McGowan - 7/29/2009

Question
Good day all.
im not sure if im doing this right, this is my first time on a forum. my question is my younger daughter has autism, she was diagnosed when she was 2 yrs old, her sister is only a year older than her, how do i explain autism do my other daughter, she started to ask, and no matter how i tell her she doesn't quite get it, she asks even more question when her other half sister comes to visit who is also autistic, but more severe than my daughter, her half sister is my husband's daughter from a previous marriage..my older daughter feels very frustrated that she doesnt know whats going on, my oldest is 4yrs old and my yougest who has autism is 3yrs old, her half sister is 10 yrs old..
please any help will be very appreciated..
thanks and God bless you..

Answer
Hi there, Mary!

Explaining autism to a young child can often be extremely difficult, as not only do you need to use simpler terms than for an adult, you have to give it to them in a frame that they can comprehend. Simply saying 'They are different' will always invite the big 'Why?' question (as you've already noticed!) and in the case of your daughter, she is at the big age of 'Why?' so you'll probably be getting a ton of it!

I'm not sure what all you have used to explain already, so if I give some suggestions and/or explanations you have already used, you'll have to excuse me. :)

Obviously, the explanation of them being different will need to come up. The word 'different' shouldn't be seen as a negative connotation. Instead, the fact they are 'different' should be expressed as... well... just that: different. Differences make the world go around! And that's the first thing that she should be getting in mind: just because they are different than her doesn't mean they are better or worse. It just means they might have to learn differently, eat differently, be treated differently, et cetera.

Try to see if you can find a frame of understanding that will help out with difference. If your child is interested in cartoons, see if you can find a character that you can draw the likeness to. If they like trains, use two different types of engine and show how one does a different job to the other one. Hopefully it shouldn't be too hard to get that part in.

Once you've got a frame of understanding for difference, try some explanation on how, when she was born, her brain was slightly different. Because of that, she can't learn exactly the same way, or the same things, or... well, without knowing exactly how autistic your daughter is I can't give details, but I'm sure you would be able to fill in the blanks. And if the infamous 'Why?' comes with that, use the simple answer that plagues every child, but in this case is the absolute truth: no one knows. Some people just are. After all, getting into the discussion about genetics might be a bit beyond a four year old's understanding of the world!

When questions are asked about the more autistic of the pair, you should be able to use that frame of 'difference' to explain that she has the same problem as your youngest daughter, but more strongly. Because of that, she may have to have special classes, or other special dispensations.

When the further 'why's' come, try and take them as they do. If she asks, for instance, why your daughter is rocking, you can explain that it's because it feels good to her because of the way her brain has been made. Or if she asks why such-and-such sensation is so bad for her, try and explain that because of that difference, she feels the item too strongly, or not strongly enough. Try and keep it simple, and try and keep answers to the frame of the exact 'why', rather than want to explain in-depth. Later on in life, the in-depth will come, but for now, a lot of the time that 'why' is being asked, it's because, as you said, she simply doesn't understand and wants a frame to understand it. Coming from you, the answer is the 'right' one, since you are Mom. It's a big responsibility, but one that every mother of 3-5 year olds has gone through!

Hopefully the general suggestions were able to be of some help to you! If you have more specific 'why' questions you need some filling in on, I'll see what I can do. Additional comments, feedback, follow-ups, are of course welcome as well!

Trey