Expert: Trey McGowan - 8/10/2009

Question
I have 3 children, a 6 yr old girl, a 4 year old boy who was diagnosed with high functioning autism, and a 1 1/2 yr old boy.  My son w/ autism gets along fairly well with his older sister, but in regards to his younger brother he is extremely territorial. He seems to feel threatened by my one year old and tenses up anytime he gets near him.  He has started pushing his younger brother numerous times throughout the day, and sometimes can hurt him quite a bit. My autistic son will do this regardless of who else is in the room, I do not believe it is for attention. It is in response to the little one getting close to his favorite toys. I have tried to "control" the environment as much as possible by having my oldest son play puzzles and such on the table, but something always happens. When it does, I usually send him to his room for time out to let him cool down (he does get very upset).  I also try to talk to him about "nice hands" and how he should not hit with them.  I think he simply cannot control his impulse. I am worried about the self-esteem of the younger child with this ongoing treatment. Is there anything you can suggest? It is difficult with the language barrier as my son is functioning more like a 2 1/2 yr old, early 3 year old and does not understand conversations regarding things he has already done.

Answer
Hi there, Haley!

First of all, I want to apologize on the long delay with answering this question. I would have sworn that I had answered it in the past, but obviously I didn't. So let's see if I can't remedy that little problem!

First off, I wonder about sending the boy to his room. Is his room a preferred place for him? Does it have toys and games and things he can play with? By sending him to his room, are you essentially rewarding him for the bad behaviour by putting him somewhere that he feels comfortable and can get away from your youngest child? I'm certainly not saying that putting him somewhere to cool off is a bad idea! However, if that 'somewhere to cool off' is somewhere he'd rather be than with his little brother, you may need to consider revising the 'cool off' location if you want to teach him that what he's doing is wrong. Maybe send him to your own room, where there is not as much for him to do, but it is still comfortable, quiet, and will give him the chance to settle down a bit.

You mention these reactions are to the other child getting close to his own games and toys. This suggests to me a case of possessiveness (well d'uh, Trey?). Maybe one thing you should try to do is to show your child that sharing is expected, and that it's part of the way things go. In front of your children, share your items with others. Have your youngest (the one year old) give your autistic child something, and encourage him to do similarly. Teach him that just because the other child is getting near to those items, doesn't mean that they are going to disappear. While separating them will certainly keep the issues from happening, it's not *fixing* the problem, so much as keeping them away from one another.

Also, you may want to just try, instead of the explanation of 'nice hands', just simply say to him that hitting is wrong. Sometimes, a simple 'do' or 'don't' with the autistic mind can be one of the best ways to do it. The world can be a very black and white place, so if the rule is 'Don't hit', then that's how it is. It might seem simplistic, but there's many times that it can work; if you've not tried yet, give it a shot!

Your child, at 4, is entering the horrifying 'Mine!' stage that so many children will get into. Autism aside, your young man is probably seeing the whole world as either belonging to him, or uninteresting to him. Teaching about sharing might be one of the best ways to help fix that, or at least blunt the edge of it, and hopefully it will help your one year old start to get a feel for things, as well. The autism just makes it harder (as you mentioned) for there to be two-way communication. As high-functioning, though, he should still be understanding enough that a lot of the ways used to teach children of that age would work well. I.E. teaching him to share, teaching him his toys aren't going to go away, et cetera. I can't promise that it'll help, obviously, but it's a suggestion that might be worth the shot!

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Follow-ups? Let me know and we'll see what I can do! And in far better time this time.

Trey