Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 8/30/2009

Question
My son, 9, was diagnosed with Aspergers several years ago.  He has an IEP at school, therapists at home and is very high functioning but has typical autistic quirks like no sense of personal space, is easily distracted, food issues, etc.  His sister, 8, seeks that he gets all of this "extra" attention at school and home.  I think she's jealous.  She's often very mean to him, taking pleasure in outsmarting or attacking him.  We discipline her for the bad behavior, but treat it as typical sibling/non autistic related behavior.  We talk about autism around the house but have never formally told my son or daughter that my son has autism.  When should I do this and how?  Your thoughts are appreciated.

Answer
Hi Erin,

By all means, they both should know. This is the "elephant in the living room" syndrome. It's best to name it so no one feels like they have to keep a family secret. I guarantee your daughter knows something's up.

It may be best to talk to them, separately, the first time. It keeps the discussion focused on the facts. Make it clear that having a "reason" for his behavior does not make it an "excuse." Understanding can prevent some conflicts. Logical consequences should apply to behaviors that violate the rules. Check out the parenting materials at <www.loveandlogic.com> they saved our family.

First, I would talk about the differences of mind that are part of Asperger's syndrome. Your son probably has very little control over his emotions, swinging from one mood to the next, unpredictably. His emotional maturity is sure to be about 3 years behind his age. This is what your daughter is taking advantage of. They both need to know that he will learn more control over time. They need to know he cannot generalize learning from one social situation to another. He has to assemble a repertoire of responses and when something changes, he's starting from scratch.

Since they are old enough to read well, I recommend finding a book or two that talk about it in terms appropriate to their level. You should read the books, first. <http://specialed.about.com/od/disabilities/tp/aspresources.htm> has a list of some good ones. I especially like the books written by someone with A.S. It helps the reader to get inside the head of someone with the syndrome.

Finally, make extra effort to provide attention to your daughter's talents and needs. If she would like dance lessons or art classes, try to make that happen. Having her own special needs addressed makes it easier to live with all the attention her brother receives. By all means, she should have her own room where her possessions are safe and where she can have time to herself. Adolescence is just around the corner for them both. Hormones make all this more difficult, plan ahead.

Best wishes,
Catherine