Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 9/5/2009

Question

I am writing asking for help with my 10 year old step son to be, Andrew who was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism five years ago. My fiance' and I have been together for nearly 7 years, and he has had full custody of Andrew for 6 years. Shortly after Andrew turned 4, he was initially diagnosed with Aesperger's, but after state testing, Andrew was diagnosed as having mild autism, with a high IQ.

Andrew has a very high IQ and is very good with math and reading. He just started the 5th grade in an IEP program at his elementary school, which he has been attending since 2nd grade.

Andrew tends to be very defiant, procrastinates with doing things he is told to do, and becoming very tempermental towards me, my fiance' and his grandparents when he is told no. Andrew refuses to take no for an answer, and continues to demand what he wants until someone gives in, and more often than not, it is his grandmother or uncle that give in, even after my fiance' or I have said no.

What complicates the situation, is that, my fiance' is residing with his parents, his older sister, and his older brother, until he and I get married once I complete nursing school this spring. In a house of 5 adults and a 10 year old, keeping everyone consistent with the boundaries my fiance and I have struggled to establish, seems fruitless.  

Andrew has also began to revert to not going to the bathroom when he is focused on a movie or something he wishes to do. He has had several accidents in the past few weeks while his father is at work. We have asked his grandmother, who stays at home all the time to check on him and make sure he goes to the restroom, unfortunately, she has fibro myaligia and cannot always get around the house to check on him.

How can I help my fiance' when it comes to estasblishing and reenforceing boundaries and consequences for Andrew, and help Andrew to not have accidents when his father is not there to remind him about the bathroom?

Thank you so much for your help.

Amber

Answer
Hi Amber,

A child with a high IQ and mild autism or Asperger's is able to understand logical consequences. His diagnosis may be a reason he misbehaves but it is not an excuse.

It is vital that all the adults get on board with boundaries. (This would be true even if he did not have autism.) If his grandmother is physically unable to supervise him, there is no way to reinforce limits. Once school starts, his time will be limited at home to a couple of hours after school. This may help. Even then, I would recommend some kind of after-school program where trained adults can keep him busy with appropriate activities until his father gets off work.

A logical consequence for wetting himself while watching a movie would be that he loses TV for two days. AND he must do his own laundry. This only works if someone is able and willing to enforce the limit. The big thing is, NEVER tell him in advance what the consequence will be. The element of surprise is very important. And, NEVER name a consequence that you (or the adult in charge) cannot follow through on. Grounding him from TV won't work if Grandma cannot keep him from turning it on.

People talk about consistency. Rules should be consistent. But, consequences can, and should, vary. The real world works that way. He needs to learn to anticipate that there will be consequences but not be able to weigh whether it is worth the risk to break the rule. You and I make these kinds of decisions every day. (Should I drive the speed limit? I might get away with it, I might get pulled over and get a warning, or I might get a ticket.) You will be teaching him responsible behavior by letting him make small decisions while the risks are small.

Please, check out the materials available at <www.loveandlogic.com>  (Get the audio tapes and listen to them in the car. Don't let Andrew read the books or hear the tapes/CDs.) This style of parenting saved our family. I am also convinced that this approach helped our daughter to become a college graduate who now holds a full time job.

Once you are married, you and his dad can set up a more solid system. Do it soon! Adolescence is just around the corner. Once the hormones hit, his defiance may increase. Under no circumstances should an autistic child be physically punished. He will not understand that it's okay for adults to hit him but he cannot hit others.

Best wishes,
Catherine