Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 11/4/2010

Question
Hi Catherine,

My 14 year old asperger teens behavior has been very oppositional for several years, but has worsened in the past year. He was sent to an alternative school for the last 8 weeks of spec ed (public school) for aggressive behavior last year. He felt thrown away. He has good days and bad days at the new school. We have been seeing a therapist every week for the last 6 months working on a behavior mod. He doesn't seem to take responsibility for his behaviors which are pretty much identical to the list of ODD behaviors. He is on geodon and prozac for aggression, recently taken off Vyvance (possibly causing probs). We try to wait till calm and have teachable moments but he doesn't listen. OK MoM! Very unpleasant, yelling at tv, computer games, etc. His brother can't stand to be around him. We don't have family nearby, no respite programs, etc. He has no friends but doesn't seem to care that much. His interests are computer/video games and acting out characters for his "movies" he makes. He is very creative and funny at times, but most interactions between him, me and my husband are always filled with conflict. We are tired, sad and not much joy. I am not sure what to do next. Thank you for your time.

Answer
Hi Sheila,

Puberty is the hardest time for Asperger's teens and their families. The surging hormones promote aggression in boys. The emotional immaturity inherent in AS makes this overwhelming for him. His feelings seem to be instant to him, and he reacts instantly. Normal teens are snarly and rude, AS teens more so.

Our approach finally resolved into the "tough love" and "love and logic" mode. The tough part was that we made it clear that, if our daughter hurt someone, the full consequences of the law would fall. It would be out of our hands. We would not bail her out for shoplifting nor make excuses for violence.

The logical part worked like this: When dirty laundry covered her floor, bed and well, everything, I bagged it all, took daughter, quarters and laundry to the laundromat and dropped her off with a cell phone in hand, "call me when it's dry and folded."

The parenting ideas for Love and Logic Institute saved our family. I think we would have ended up sending her to a foster home without them.

The key elements are these: he needs to bear the consequences of his mistakes while they are small so that he will know how to do so when they are larger. You NEVER name a consequence beforehand. No threats. Think out any consequence before you impose it and be absolutely sure you can follow through. Example: If he loses his computer game privileges for something, someone has to be available to see that it sticks. Mom and Dad both have to get on board with it. Use it for both kids.

Visit www.loveandlogic.com, order their parenting CD's and listen/watch them when he is NOT around. It will give you a plan for teaching him to be responsible and restore your sanity and control over your household.

I believe it works so well for AS teens because, delayed as the emotional maturity is, the logic circuits seem to work overtime. Write me again if you have any questions.

Best wishes,
Catherine