Expert: Paul Johnson - 11/4/2010

Question
QUESTION: We have a 21 year old son who we have suspected for some part of his adult life may be part of the above spectrums.  Although we felt not severe, and began but did not pursue a diagnosis as we were not sure how advantageous to him this would be, concerns and problems continue to 'happen' to him.  He is generally a happy sociable young man who has no problems making friends and enjoying a social life.  He had problems at school in terms of attention, and we constantly battled to get additional help and understanding.  this carried on through to upper school and college, when his non-attendance, lack of application, refusal to listen, non attendance at behavioural meetings, non-compliance with instructions etc.  led to him being expelled.  He was unable to communicate to us at all what caused his behaviour, or his lying to cover up his actions.  He eventually secured a position in a care home, he was liked and well received, but after five months was dismissed for 'gross misconduct' although we did not think it warranted such as serious label, despite warning from managers, review meetings, disciplinaries, he continued to not complete tasks, and failed to turn up to assessment meetings.  We attended with him to try  and understand the problems, and the manager of the care home agreed with our fears that he may be autistic and unable to understand what was required of him.  He is hopeless with money, frequently has got himself into debt mobile phone bills, etc etc which we have bailed him out of.  He has recently decided to leave home, he had a part time job and was convinced he could cope financially, we still had grave concerns, but again have supported and helped, and really hope that this could be the making of him.   We were delighted when he told us that he had got a new full time job, only to be devastated half an hour later when we received a letter from his current work experience employer to say that he had been sacked for failing to complete tasks, application to the job, undertake instructions same old same old. When the new job checks for references, they obviously will not  confirm his new position.  He seems unaware of the consequences.  We have tried to talk to him and explain that same issue keep arising and that he needs to address them to move forward into adult life.  He has stormed off and cut family contact, refused to listen.  We now feel that an adult diagnosis would be beneficial to him as he would get the help and support he needs to lead an independent adult life, and naturally we are really concerned for his health, safety and wellbeing.  We are nearing retirement age, and feel at the end of our tether in relation to help him move forward and be happy.  Please can you advise on how we approach him, to convince him that a diagnosis would be beneficial, particularly when he was devastated when he found out that we thought this could be the problem initially.  We do want to help him, and no longer know how.  I would really grateful for any advice, support groups etc. that could help us help him.

Regards
Lynne

ANSWER: Hey Lynne,

Thank you for your sensitive and heartfelt question.

Your question is an interesting one from the perspective of employment and workforce centers. I and other Aspies have struggled for quite a while to raise the awareness of the employment and workforce centers to the particular ways in which we struggle at employment. The description you gave of your son is a classic example of the typical ways in which we struggle at the work site.
I am personally familiar with this pattern.

So this is a long way of informing you just how familiar your son's patterns are to our ASD experiences. Yes your son very much appears to be on the spectrum. I am not sure why the delay in getting an official diagnosis for him. He will be able to have something to call his failures. Before my diagnosis as an adult I internalized my failures especially the employment terminations and thought I was the failure. Since the diagnosis, I have something to call it, as well as something to address, I have a set of characteristics with a label that others have, and other's can relate to. Most of all I have a classification that people devote resources to in order to assist us in coping and living more rewarding lives.

The time has come for your son to join our ranks.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your quick and helpful response, such a comfort that there is someone out there!!  My next question is how do we approach pursuing a diagnosis for our son, who will refuse to see any doctors psychiatrists etc just as vehemently as he refuses to believe he has a problem.  His Dad, sister and I are fully supportive and want to help, set up lines of communication again, and we just dont know what to do.  He had a social worker, who closed his case when he secured a job and our son assured her all was well in his world.  I am going to contact her again, but not sure how much she can do to persuade him.  What made you as an adult approach your diagnosis, what convinced you that you needed one, and what advice would have helped when you were at what must have been a very difficult stage in your life??  Thank you for listening, and using your experiences for the benefit of others.

Regards
Lynne

Answer
Hey Lynne,

Thank you for your follow up question.

There is a key phrase in both of your questions. The first one was how he has no idea what consequesnces there are for his behaviors, and the second phrase was he does not believe he has a problem.

Here lies the dilemna, he is an adult. It is HIS life. People who come from the "tough love" approach will advocate having him be placed in a position by which he will have to be confronted with the consequences of his limited abilites. When this occurs he will naturally ask why can't I respond to my challenges adequately. If he does not feel the pain of his problems, he will resent you for telling he has problems he neither sees nor feels.

The problem is that he does not know he has a problem. After I was an adult and was the bread winner of my family of a wife and young child and I lost my structured job. I had to ask why I could not keep the subseqent jobs I encountered afterwards. I ran out of people to blame and had to look within.

For him he has you to blame for saying he has a problem so he lacks motivation to change.

I hope this makes sense. I can discuss it further if you would like.