Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 11/28/2010

Question
I have 6 year old twin boys. One, Stephen, was diagnosed with autism when he was 2 1/2. Over the years we have had him evaluated and the diagnosis confirmed by 6 different doctors. He is so smart in some ways, his memory is off the charts. We are beginning to have severe behavior issues. He becomes frustrated over EVERYTHING. He screams, throws things, calls names and cries like a baby. He also has begun telling me things like he is "tired of me" or I am "getting on his nerves". His twin, who is a very compliant and compassionate kid, would NEVER be able to get away with that. I have no clue how to reach him. I feel like he hates me and I am a total failure. He always says that his "act is bad and he cant change" and that I will "never forgive him and dont love him". I feel like he wont let me love him. I am so frustrated. These are supposed to be the good years. I feel like if he is getting away with what he does now, by the time he is a teenager I wont have a chance of keeping him under control. Please help. We are both miserable. I love him so much and want him to know it, and I want nothing more than to feel loved by him, not just a means to an end. Sorry to rant and rave.

Kris

Answer
Hi Kris,

It's okay to rant a bit. This is hard for all of you. It's hard for Stephen because he knows he is not "normal" like his brother who is a constant reminder of of what he "should" be. It is hard for you because you are doing your best and it does not seem good enough. And, it is hard for the brother who watches the emotional strain and may feel like Stephen gets more attention.

The emotional development of autistic kids is way behind their peers. I know you have a perfect comparison with his twin. Now, try to ignore the difference and focus on the level where he is. He's physically six, emotionally he's probably three. Hence the tantrums.

I think it is most important to reframe your perception of Stephen's behavior, especially his words. Expressing his frustration in words is actually a healthy thing. I would recommend you acknowledge the feelings as honest communication and let them go. He is not "getting away with something" when he does this. Nor, I believe, is he really trying to hurt you. Don't be so invested in being told "I love you." He does love you, he just has a very difficult time feeling worthy of your love and so he may think that if he does not love you, you won't be so disappointed in him.

My recommendation for you is that you become acquainted with the parenting techniques taught by Love and Logic. Basically, logical consequences are applied to misbehavior. Example, he throws his toy and breaks it. Your sincere response is, "How sad! You broke your power ranger." Then, you don't replace it. Simple, logical, non-violent. In this method, you do not name consequences ahead of time. No "if you do this, I will do that." Let him wonder if misbehavior is worth the risk.

Focus on results. If you get compliance, ignore the attitude. Accept that kids make mistakes, that's how they learn. When they happen, ask, "how could you do it differently next time?"

I know the gut wrenching empty feeling of having your child shout, "I HATE YOU!" I have to be honest, it may go on for a long time. My response was, "Nevertheless, I love you. And you still have to clean your room." She's 25 now and she tells me she loves me often. I always knew she did.

Go to www.loveandlogic.com to get the books or CDs that will give you some tools you can really use. Don't listen to the CDs where the kids can hear them. The element of surprise is on your side.

Best wishes,
Catherine