Expert: Celtica - 11/27/2010

Question
QUESTION: We parents often worry about this thing because we are afraid our children won't
feel our love or won't love back. That's what scares me the most. Since you are
in this yourself, can you tell me about your feelings? Do you feel much different
than other people and do you love and do "normal" things with your parents and
peers?

ANSWER: Hi T,

I'm just speaking for myself, and this may not apply to other people with autism.
I feel I've always been very, very close with my mother (who is clearly "normal"), but she told me she felt, and still feels rejected by me.
I have no idea why, though. I think I'm affectionate towards her when we see each other, but still. Maybe it's because I've never learned to share my interests or speak about my feelings, or even about my dayly life and such, so she kind of feels left out, although I don't feel I'm leaving her out at all (but she also has a hard time understanding the way my brain and emotions work I believe. We're just too different I fear. She would have loved a daughter who shares her interests (like shopping, fashion and such), a daughter who shares her secrets and thoughts with her, and I'm not like that.

With my dad, who is with some probability on the autism spectrum himself, I didn't have any relationship until my early 20ties, because we both didn't know how to I guess. Before that he was pretty much a stranger who just happened to live in the same house, but then I realized that I'm just like him, or he's like me, so I made a conscious effort to be nice to him and show him he's important to me too, and tried to get to know him better.
We still find it difficult to communicate, but I'm very aware how much he loves me (and I hope he knows I love him too).When I'm visiting my parents, he bakes and cooks for me (special stuff, because I need to eat gluten and milk free), and will go at great lengths to get me nice things to eat and such. It's his way of showing he loves me, and I appreciate this alot.

If I feel much different than other people I don't know (because I've always been like this, and being like this is my kind of "normal").
I don't know how a person without autism feels.
I live in a very autism friendly environment (I work for a small company who doesn't mind my quirks and appreciates my work), and all of my (few) friends are on the autism spectrum themselves, so most of the time I guess I don't feel less normal that you or anyone, because my contact with the "normal" world is really minimal (appart from my mum).

I feel very attached to my (also autistic) friends, and I believe they know it, and I also know *they* like *me*. It's probably that you "normal" people look too much at what we say (or not say), either with our voices or through body language, and not so much at what we do (it's in small things like calling you every day, even though we don't have anything to say).  

Generally I am able to feel attachment to, and even love for the people around me, and am able to feel they love me, but I may not be able to show it properly.  

As for doing "normal" things with my parents or peers, I'd rather say no if you asked me (although I don't really know what "normal" things would be). I hate going shopping for clothes, big family gatherings, go to noisy places, or even new places. I'd rather stay at home and do quiet things, or go for a walk in the woods and such. I sometimes like going to the cinema though, or have dinner at my favourite restaurant when there are not too many people there so it's nice and quiet.

Hope that helps, you can always ask again. And sorry my language kindof fails me tonight, I'm very tired and my brain refuses to process language properly, so sorry for any mistakes or half finished sentences.

C.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your long reply :) I very much appreciate this. Judging by your
way of writing I would never guess you are not just like me or anyone else.
You write very well and explain things in a very normal way :)

I agree with you that it's in the small things like calling your friends even
though you don't have anything special to say, just a "hello and how are you?"

It makes me happy to read that you feel very close to your mother and that
you love your father. I guess I was afraid that you would say you didn't feel
much for them. Do you miss your parents sometimes? Do you show affection
through hugs, cuddles and such?

I know with my mom I can just lay my head down on her lap and she will give
me a good massage and I will just enjoy that time with my mom and she feels
loved that way too. We hug and kiss on the cheek every time we see each
other and just do things together, like go to stores and such.

Do you smile alot? I'm so used to smiling, and joking around with my mother
and friends and husband. Do you do that?

I'm sorry if my questions are stupid and I feel stupid for asking them but I just
need to get that sense of feeling on HOW, exactly HOW you're different.
Except from knowing that your brain works a bit different.

Do you have a partner? Kids? How do you feel towards that?

Do you cry? Do you feel pain when someone you love is crying? Do you feel
pain when someone on the TV is crying or a stranger? Do you share other
people's feelings?

Are you happy? :)

What would you say to people who are scared of this diagnosis? Who are
scared that their children would not be able to love or feel loved and such?

Thank you again

Answer
Hi T,

would you mind reposting your question and marking it as private (or change it to private, if that's possible - unfortunately I can't do that from my side).
I don't mind your question at all and I'll be happy to answer it, but I'm not feeling comfortable to share so much about me and my private life on the internet for everyone to read.

I hope that's okay for you.
C.