Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 2/10/2010

Question
Hello. My 4 1/2 year old son has high functioning autism, severe ADHD, and sensory processing disorder. He can speak well. We have a lot of behavior problems with him like: yelling "Don't Talk!!!" and getting extremely agitated when his 7 year old sister talks. He is also very "rigid" in most things. For example: dressing himself: he only will wear a couple certain shirts, and if you try to help dress him, if he can't do it, he screams and takes everything off, and tries it again by himself. This will continue over and over again until everything is just to his liking. It becomes a vicious cycle. I stay calm and I use a reward system, but he forgets right away about what he will get if he stops a negative behavior. I am constantly having to stop my daughter from yelling at her brother and being so argumentative with him. She tells him she hates him a lot and that he is stupid. No matter what I do to help her understand her brother, it doesn't work. She gets so frustrated with him. There is a lot more I could tell you...Thank you for your time, and any suggestions!

Answer
Hi Jane,

Part of what you are seeing is normal sibling interaction and child behavior. Most 7 year old girls think their little brother is stupid and tell him so. Many 4 year olds are determined to do it themselves and have particular likes in clothing.

Let's talk about your daughter, first. It is hard having a "special" sibling. I'm sure she believes, whether it is true or not, that little brother gets more time and attention. She probably also believes that his rules are less stringent than hers. To some extent, this is unavoidable. Part of the solution is simply time. As she matures, she will come to understand that he cannot choose to be different than he is. Part of it is making sure she gets a generous amount of time from her parents. Find the special things about her. Encourage her in art, music, athletics, whatever she finds most interesting and fulfilling.

I assume she is in first or second grade? School should be her haven. Listen to her read, help her with her spelling lists, arrange some play times where she does not have to cope with little brother.

Also, it's okay to acknowledge that she is bigger, stronger, faster and more experienced (don't use "smarter") than her brother. Enlist her as a teacher of "mature" behavior. No one likes to be the "good example" all the time, but sometimes it is validating to know one is mentoring the younger sibling. When you catch her being a good mentor, thank her for her help. (I never use "good" to describe a child. They are always "good girls/boys" but behavior can be acceptable or unacceptable.)

Now to your son. Some of his behavior toward his big sister is common to a 4 year old little brother. Being "bossed" is not okay with little brothers and big sisters do that. (I know, I was one.) The agitation when she talks may be related to volume, or may be related to the high pitch of her voice. Volume she can control, pitch she cannot. See if you can figure out which. Ask for her help if it's volume. Also, try to teach her ways to talk to him that are less aggravating such as waiting for his attention by saying his name and looking for a response before starting to talk to him. (I know, he does not always respond.)

Sharing is hard for all kids. Wars erupt over what is "MINE"! It was our family policy that the kids had to decide work it out peacefully or the object went away for a while. I just impounded the item in question for a couple of days. This stopped many but, of course, not all such disputes.

About clothing preference: Try to identify what it is about his favorite shirts that he likes. Color, texture, fit, sleeve length or the superhero character on the front can all be reasons. If the feel of the shirt is the issue, try getting some very similar shirts in similar colors. Then, make sure the favorites are "in the wash" on the same day. Let him do the dressing, he needs to be self sufficient. Be patient. Give a couple of choices and leave the room. It's likely he'll come out in something, even his pajama shirt. Just let it go. You want to broaden his horizons in any way possible.

Work to keep his diet as varied as possible. Many kids with autism end up refusing to eat anything but french fries and cookies (for instance). It may seem easy to feed him what he demands, but in the long run, it's a disaster. Don't give in to this. Most kids will not starve themselves.

I recommend that behavior should not be considered "positive" and "negative". Rather, I use acceptable and unacceptable. Rewarding the acceptable can work, but kids can become dependent on rewards. They start "bargaining". In classical conditioning, it was discovered that what gets attention is reinforced and what is ignored tends to diminish. So, concentrate your attention on the behavior you want. Ignore tantrums by walking away. Don't give him an audience.

You can also teach your daughter this technique. If he's being annoying, she should move away not confront him. How well she takes this advice will depend on her personality. In the end, you don't want to be the referee with a whistle and a striped shirt. Some of this is stuff they just have to work out for themselves.

I recommend the parenting materials from Love and Logic. It will definitely work for your daughter and may also help your son as he gains some understanding of cause and effect. Their website is www.loveandlogic.com .

Best wishes,
Catherine