Expert: Valerie Herskowitz - 4/1/2010

Question
My stepson is autistic. Bio mom left when he was 2. He is 12 now and I have been around for 5 yrs. He hates me. Dirty looks, yelling at me constantly, always telling me no, and calls me names all the time. He calls me mom when he wants something. You can't always understand his speech but most of the time you can. His dad says just ignore the behaviour. I have an 11 year old and 14 year old. I don't let them talk to me like that so its hard to ignore. My marriage is failing I have tried everything. One on one time taking him to movies. Its out of hand. Do you have any advice for my situation? Please help!

Answer
Hi Chrissy

First of all, you should be congratulated for taking on such a difficult job. I know how hard it can be. My husband is my son's step-father, and my son is quite challenging.

For a child with autism to learn that he is not allowed to treat you a certain way would require behavioral strategies that would need to be implemented consistently. And I wouldn't take him to the movies if he treats you badly.

If you want, you can try to put up a board on the refrigerator. On one side of the board, list the things that you need him to try to change.
1. Saying no
2. calling names
3. yelling

On the top of the board, put the days of the week. Then draw boxes for each day and behavior. You will have 21 boxes. Tell your step-son, that on week 1, you are going to try and get him to stop saying "no." Tell him for each day that he is successful, you will put a happy face in the appropriate box. If he gets 4 happy faces that week, you will take him somewhere. If it works, try to get him to get 5 happy faces, etc. Repeat for each behavior.

See if it improves the situation and let me know.