Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 5/5/2010

Question
My son is 14 and has a diagnosis of asperger syndrome.  He is in general ed honors classes in a public HS in Staten Island NYC.  He has every service possible. OT/PT/Speech/ counseling/group therapy/a paraprofessional/technical assistance/extra time on testing and a private room for tests, you name it, we get it for him.  He does not want to do his work.  He is capable of it, but doesn't want to.  He is still having meltdowns.  Our family is exhausted.  We have two other children who deserve our attention too.  We need to have time to be a married couple, but there isn't any of that either. Just misery.  WE have counseling, no time to even go there.  It is 1am and we are still doing HW because if we let him not do it, he wins and he keeps pushing for more of his own way.  He is brilliant, there is no reason for him not to do his HW.  All he wants to do is play video games and look up videos on youtube or watch television.  We don't think he is doing well in our home anymore.  we are harassed daily by his school about hw and behavior.  Is this a plateau?  Do we look for a group home at this point so that he has concentrated professional help to make him more independent?  He doesn't wash himself properly, or even make himself food when hungry.  He doesn't want to do anything for himself.  He would skip wiping himself after using the bathroom if he could as well.  Some people say this is teenage behavior mixed in with his aspergers.  I am bleary, tired and wishing for a normal life.  Any idea?

Answer
Hi Joann,

Ten years ago, we were exactly where you are. Our daughter was a freshman in high school. She would not get out of bed in time to catch the bus, did not do any of her homework even though her IQ is genius level, would not clean up after herself, was even violent toward her sisters and myself. I was almost ready to put her in a foster home.

Today, she is a college graduate, holding a part-time job and has a boyfriend (a pretty normal guy, too.) I'm not bragging, I want to give you hope and tell you how we all got here.

The main difference would be that she was undiagnosed. No one knew she has AS. She had no accommodations through grade school and middle school. Even after diagnosis, IEP, etc. her behavior continued on this track the next couple of years. Hormones played a role in this, I'm sure. Emotional immaturity also contributed.

About that time, I discovered a child-rearing philosophy called "Love and Logic." While it was designed for "normal" children, we found it worked very well for our bright but AS affected daughter. The core of this philosophy is that children need to learn to take responsibility for the "natural consequences" of their actions/inactions. A good example of a natural consequence would be that if you don't do your laundry, you don't have clean clothes to wear. An artificial consequence (which we use far too often, though sometimes we have no choice) is that if he does not do his laundry, he gets sent to bed early.

Now, one thing to remember about AS kids is that while they may be 14 physically, and even 30 mentally, they are usually 3-5 years behind, emotionally. You are dealing with a 9 year old when it comes to discipline issues. Getting a hold on this now is vital. His hormones are flowing and your little boy will be a young man in a couple of years. He will be taller, stronger and possibly even dangerous.

Here's how it works. You inform him you love him, that you know he's very smart and you believe he can be a capable person. You tell him that you are not going to continue propping him up in ways that are no longer necessary. And then....

STOP rescuing him. Just flat stop. Inform the school that homework is his job. You will support him doing it up until a reasonable bed time, then you will go to bed and keep your health and sanity. The natural consequence of this, of course, is that he will not be getting good grades. Maybe he won't care, maybe he will. But you cannot continue to cram learning down his throat.

You must read or listen to the materials available at www.loveandlogic.com BEFORE you do any of this. The secret to the whole system is that you do NOT inform him of the consequences of his actions BEFORE the deadline because you are not giving him the options to decide if it's worth the risk. You and I don't get to make that decision about most things. We do what we should because we know we don't want to risk the consequences.

I know this sounds like letting him fail. Well, yes. But the consequences of failure now are far lower than failure as an adult, later. I am not promising this will get him through high school with a diploma. Our daughter was graduated with a "conditional" diploma. She was admitted to college "conditionally". She wanted to major in music badly enough, she figured out how to get to class, do her homework, buy her groceries, get to rehearsal, etc. I can't say her housekeeping skills improved significantly, but she learned to cook. We took a huge risk paying tuition but college was a world she found compatible, unlike high school where social issues, sensory overload and mandatory classes made her miserable.

You have leverage with the TV, computer, and other high-tech toys. This is one place an "artificial" consequence is useful. These are things he does AFTER the homework is done. Key point, NEVER name a consequence you cannot follow through on. Move the TV and computer to a room you can control. If you have to, lock the door. Make disobedience impossible. If you think he will try to break in, make it clear that if he behaves violently or damages your property (kicks down the door) you WILL call the police. MEAN it. I only had to do this once. This sounds extreme, but if he becomes violent after the age of 18, it will be out of your hands. Point out that the law does not care that he has autism if he willfully injures someone, he will go to jail.

You and your husband need to take care of yourselves. Getting enough sleep is crucial to your mental and physical health. Spend time with the other children. They are growing up too and you don't want to miss it. If your son cannot take part, gracefully, find him someplace to be or someone to stay with him while you enjoy the activity. Get out, have some fun! Always offer to include him, but allow him to pass if he wants to...as long as it's not to watch TV and play on the computer without doing his homework first.

Check out the parenting materials, they are not that expensive. Don't let him listen to the tapes or read the books. The element of surprise is your ally. It saved our family.

If you have questions about specific situations or just need a sounding board, write again.

I care!
Catherine