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Autism/disciplining high-functioning asperger 11 Y/O

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Expert: - 5/30/2010


Question
My son is 11 and has high functioning Asperger's. We finally  have an answer we needed. BUT, his tantrums are getting more destructive. Yesterday he busted out my windshield because he had to help his dad mow for the church. We are on the verge of divorce because we disagree on how to handle discipline. Neither of us know how! My husband thinks corporal punishment is what he needs and I feel we need to try to reason with him. We are at our wits end and are extremely stressed everyday. We can not live like this any longer. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!

Answer
Hi Darci,

Children with Asperger's do not respond well to corporal punishment. Rather than regretting their actions, they fantasize about revenge. Guilt is not a thing he instinctively understands.

The technique that saved our family is called "Love and Logic." It involves logical consequences and personal responsibility. Not rescuing kids from mistakes teaches them to think about the possible outcomes of future actions. Not imposing unrelated punishments (spanking) gives them a better sense of the real world. If you smashed a windshield, you would be held responsible in a logical way.

The logical consequence for breaking the windshield is having to help pay to replace it. That means he needs to do meaningful chores, either at home or for others, until the value is earned.

A key element in this program is not announcing the consequences ahead of time. Never say, "If you don't do this, I will do this." Rather, "If this chore is not done by 5:00 pm, there will be consequences." For sure, you need to figure out what they will be, just don't tell him. The other key is never name a consequence you cannot or will not enforce. If he loses TV privileges, be sure that both you and your husband will prevent him from watching for the prescribed time. There are no threats, only enforceable, logical consequences.

Go to www.loveandlogic.com and get their parenting materials. Read the books or listen to the CD's but don't let your son hear them. It will be the best money you ever spent.

Best wishes,
Catherine

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Catherine Ridenour

Expertise

I can answer your questions about parenting your High Functioning Autisic or Asperger`s Syndrome child. In particular, questions about family life, discipline, siblings, finding resources, and working with (sometimes opposing) the educational system are welcome.

Experience

I am the parent of an Asperger's Syndrome child who is now 22 years old. She went undiagnosed for 14 years of her life, so I have done extensive reading and Internet research into the possible cause of her difficulties. Even a short 8 years ago, A.S. was practically unheard of by the public educational system.

We fumbled our way through her childhood and early adolescence without any effective outside support. In some ways, that may have been a blessing as we were focused on her abilities rather than a label for her disability. However, I can think of many times when knowing WHY would have been comforting.

Had we known very early on, some social skills interventions might have made her life in school easier. At this point, I like her for who she is so I do not regret how things have turned out. More importantly, she likes herself.

Education/Credentials
I have a Bachelor of Science in Education.

I have worked to educate myself about Autism in general and HFA/AS in particular.

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