Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 6/22/2010

Question
I have a 10 yrs old son, who has a sensory problem and has had speech therapy since 2 (he now speaks well) He is out of control. We are having him tested to see what is causing his behaviours.
We have done lots of searching on the internet while we wait, over a year and 1/2 of waiting so far, and feel he may be high function ASD or something like that with sensory.
My son is very immature, he can be calm one minute and in a rage the next. He hurts his siblings, yells and screams, puts holes in walls and takes no responsibility for any of his behaviour. He tells me he hates me all the time, which is very hard to hear. We have no idea how to discipline him, everything we've tried doesn't work, If we let him off then the other kids are upset and if we try talking to him about his behaviour he plugs his ears and yells, if we give him a chore or tell his to have a time out he just yell NO and says I can't make him .. which I can't as he is getting big and too heavy for me to lift.
As soon as he is outside, at school of any where other people are around he "holds it together" and no one else sees this behaviour but the family, school thinks he is prefect and do no help.
We are at wits end to have some peace at home and need some idea's how to deal with him.
Can you help?

Answer
Hi Carmel,

You are correct, you have a problem and you need help, fast. It is very possible your son has high functioning autism or Asperger's syndrome. He could also have some other psychological problem such as bi-polar disorder.

He needs a professional psychiatric evaluation. Don't depend on the school, if he's not bothering them, they are not interested. Set up a hidden video camera, if you can. Catch this stuff on tape to share with the psychiatrist.

Much of the misbehavior at home can be from the "family script." He has gotten away with it and he knows that you have not succeeded in making him stop. You have to identify a key issue that he DOES care about. Is it video games, TV, time outside? You need a "handle" so you have some leverage.

Go to loveandlogic.com. Buy the "livesaver" kit. Watch the DVD's when he is not around. The parenting techniques they teach saved our family. It amounts to changing your behavior so that he will have to change his. Logical consequences are far more effective than artificially imposed consequences. Do it now because he is only going to get bigger and more dangerous.

Hearing "I hate you!" hurts, no question about it. But, try not to let him see the impact or he "wins". Your reply should be "Regardless, you need to pick up your toys." If he does not, put them in the trash or donate them. He may end up with nothing to play with before he gets it, but he will get it. The logic is, of course, if you don't take care of it you must not want it. If he breaks something, be sympathetic, "It must feel sad to break Buzz Lightyear." But DON'T buy him a new one. Allow him to do chores to earn the money to replace it if he wants another one. If he breaks his sibling's toy, they get to choose one of his as a replacement.

Think ahead of consequences you CAN impose in various situations. Never threaten a consequence you can't follow through with. It undermines your credibility. And DON'T tell him what they will be ahead of time. Being unsure of whether misbehavior is worth the risk is one thing that keeps people in line. Most of us obey the law not only because we want to do what's right but because we have that "what will happen if I get caught?" feeling.

Don't give up on him. Set your self for a struggle and hang in there. You're still bigger, smarter and more experienced. Get those parenting materials and tap into all of that.

Best wishes,
Catherine