Expert: Celtica - 6/21/2010

Question
My 9 year old grandson is diagnosed on the Autistic Spectrum.  He is high functioning, extremely bright but delayed slightly in speech and social interaction.  He is making improvements but seems to be unable to handle confrontations.  He is rigid in his thoughts sometimes also.  If he does something "wrong", he will not apologize but says he is "finished with that".  He has started to show physicalness by pushing and holding onto people tightly.  I'm afraid he may hurt his younger cousins.  How can we instill manners and prevent his hurting others?  Is this a normal part of development of children with AS?  Thank you for your assistance.

Answer
Hi Betty,

this is difficult to say, as I'm - at least as an adult -  a naturally calm, extremely quiet and easygoing person, who is avoiding any confrontation as far as ever possible (will rather surrender than discuss/fight as I find conflicts extremely upsetting - and am not eloquent enough to win a discussion anyway). I also tend to apologize way too much rather than too little as I find the tension of a conflict nearly unbearable.

So, today I'm quite different from your grandson...but that's probably my way of dealing with a similar problem your grandson may have. If I don't get what I want I let go, and your grandson does the opposite. Neither of us is able to deal with a conflict situation, and we're both kind of helpless in that situation. Obviously neither of us is able to discuss a topic like average people would, all he can say is that he's finished with that and physical agression.

I remember that when I was younger though that when I DID get angry - which was very rare even then - I had an urge to become physically agressive, not being able to verbalize my frustration (I was never agressive towards other people though, but I used to hit myself, pillows or furniture).

That's probably something you could teach him - if you feel you're going to hit/push someone, run to your room and find a pillow and hit that until you feel calmer (or maybe even getting him a punching bag for this may help).
It may also be a good idea to try to talk to him about these things calmly when he is in a good mood and will listen. Like that he has to do some things [whatever those confrontaions are about] sometimes, because people just have to do them, and could he try to comply next time ? And try to explain to him that holding onto people tightly hurts them (perhaps grab HIM like that, and ask him how that feels, and if he wants to make other people feel like this).
You could also use small rewards for when he complies or gets angry but NOT physically agressive and similar situations.
Also, leaving him alone for a while after a confrontation, and not trying to discuss with him when he's already upset and angry (and therefore probably unable to listen, or modify his behavior) may help (send him to his room or simply walk away yourself, so he can wind down - and try staying as calm as you can yourself).

I don't know if this is a normal part of the development of AS kids, but I think the inability to either percieve or controll one's emotions/enormous frustration when unable to verbalize what one thinks/doesn't understand why one is supposed to do something/not to do something is typical for people on the spectrum.

Hope this helps,
C.