Expert: Paul Johnson - 6/5/2010

Question
Hello there

My Dad and my brother are both definintely affected with aspergers. Neither one knows it and have never been diagnosed. My poor mother has had to be the matriachal female in running both their lives for yearsd now. My brother moved back into the house a few years back and he's 34 now. I have worked with young people with aspergers for several years and know how challenging their behaviours can be. This has all gotten too much for my mum and she has recently just moved out. Of course my dad can't see why or what he's done wrong. I'm just so worried how he is going to cope. Even though I am the younger brother our roles have been reversed for years. To add to the complication I am living abroad and am unable to be there to pick up the pieces. I worry about the future for both of them. My brother has been much better and holds down several jobs but my dad is nearly 70 and hasn't known anything else but life with my mum for the past 30 years. W.T.F am I to do with them all! How do I say oh by the way you both have aspergers and this is why you find life different to your peers.

so confused and frustrated

Kirk, 31

Answer
Hey Kirk,

Thank You for your interesting question.

This question gives me the opportunity to share an interesting fact. That is that Asperger's Syndrome is au unique disorder in that most of those who have it do not know it. Asperger's is an invisible disorder because others do not knwo we have it and we do not know we have it.

In this regard your concerns are a bit contradictory. Let me explain what I mean.
The individuals who take the longest in investigating what it is about them that is "different" or unusual, are those individuals who have been able to cope with the world and it's expectations. I am a high functioning Aspie. I suspect your mentioned loved ones are high functioning because they have been able to function "well enough".

Yeah I know we would have to give a foot note to your mother for assisting in the life of your father and brother and of course I assumed you did your part as well, but they are likely to be high functioning to figure things out to cope with the expectations that their lives demand.

I sense your concern goes more to what their lives will look like, and how sloppy their home will be, how dysfunctional their affairs may look etc. But the crucial aspect is whether they will be able to survive, I think they will, may not be a pretty look but they will survive.

So if that is the case it is a matter of acceptance on your part that they will struggle alot.
But it also means the opportunity for this to represent a learning experience is at hand. Stay back and allow them to grow into the roles that they must understand and accept.

My favorite slogan about Asperger's syndrome is differently abled not disabled.