Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 6/1/2010

Question
My 4 year old niece is autistic. In a recent tantrum during a family event, my 5 year old son attempted to comfort his cousin (approaching her to say "it's okay") and she hit him. I was too far to prevent him from approaching her. Her mother was ignoring the tantrum and didn't see the interaction; the grandmother said that we must simply be sympathetic because of the autism and that discipline wouldn't be effective. I'm more upset at the lack of intervention and discipline than I am about the actual hit (my son wasn't seriously hurt), and I think it's reasonable to expect my niece to be disciplined when she hits other children. Is it possible to discipline an autistic child who hits others - unprovoked? How would a school handle this? I don't want to remove my children from my niece's social sphere, but I have to be concerned about their safety. She's getting bigger, and the hits will just get harder...

Answer
Hi Kathleen,

I am a fan of logical consequences for misbehavior. This is a tricky situation, however. No child, autistic or otherwise, is in full control of him/herself during a tantrum.

Teach your son to give her space when she's upset. He can offer verbal comfort from a safe distance but he should not approach her without her permission.

Now, if she begins hitting in an aggressive way, that is something else. Then, she should be removed to a timeout place for a few minutes, told firmly that hitting hurts and that it is not allowed, ever. By the way, you should know that autistic children don't know that others have thoughts and feelings. People are objects to them. She can learn this but only with direct teaching.

Autistic children do not respond well to corporal punishment (spanking). They cannot make the leap from "no hitting allowed" to "my parents are allowed to hit me for misbehaving." Discipline is guidance, not punishment. There is as much need for reward of appropriate behavior as there is for consequences for inappropriate behavior.

I recommend the parenting techniques offered by "Love and Logic". It saved our family. Check it out at www.loveandlogic.com . This approach is effective and teaches kids to think for themselves about the consequences of their actions. I even works with high-functioning autistic kids.

Best wishes,
Catherine